What Breaks You, Makes You

(Part 1 of 4 of the story of my tryst with destiny in running my first ultramarathon, in the mountains of Ladakh)

Why?

Why on earth would you want to do an ultramarathon in the first place?

And why would you want to do your first ultramarathon, that too a distance of 55 kilometres, in the difficult terrain, unpredictable weather, and the rarefied air of Ladakh? After all, wouldn’t you want your first one to be easier and faster?

But.

There’s always a but, isn’t there? In this case, for a change, it’s a good but.

But there is always a solid reason for an ultramarathoner to take on this challenge.

This is something I learnt from a participant in the 333 kms category ultramarathon in the 2019 edition of La Ultra The High, held in one of the most inhospitable environments on earth, in the high, cold mountainous desert of Ladakh.

“Most runners may not admit it, but they are carrying some pain within their hearts, something which eases as they take these arduous tasks up, having gone through grueling circumstances and coming out changed, stronger, more determined, less broken, more whole, more at peace.” And of course the other participants spoke about running ultras being all about pushing their limits, discovering their true potential, feeling a strong kinship with running as a companion who accepts them whole heartedly, never judges, and who is always there.

I heard them out, but only realized the true meaning of it when I went through the same experience this past Sunday. Or maybe I had been going through this experience since 2019 and only realized it now.

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Mom was diagnosed with a chronic respiratory disease in March of 2018, which was rapidly deteriorating, much to the dismay of the medical fraternity that we consulted. Her need for and dependence on oxygen from an external source rose with each passing day, and soon we became helpless caregivers in the face of an illness that had no cure.

On our last vacation together in December 2018, on Mom Dad’s wedding anniversary.

Yet, Mom’s spirit soared, she remained strong for each one of us, continued to go for weekly lunch dates with me, and stared at the grim eyes of her own mortality daily. She took the transition to a wheelchair in her stride, as every step on her own meant her lungs would scream for more oxygen and she would be exhausted yet again, gasping for the very air that we all take so much for granted.

The inevitable soon happened in December that year when Mom couldn’t breathe on the maximum oxygen supply at home and had to be hospitalized. One of the last pictures I have with Mom is from December 24, 2018, on a hospital bed, hooked to IVs, central lines and oxygen. Her breathing became more labored, and I held her and hugged her as she said “Baba, I am tired.” I am so grateful for my sister who captured that candid moment, unbeknownst to me. Mom went into crisis that night and passed away two days later.

My world shook and crumbled beneath my very own feet; I was lost, desolate, angry, and for the first time I felt rudderless, flailing around helplessly in what seemed like a vast, never ending ocean. There was a huge, gaping void in my heart, jeering me on, never to be filled. I had lost myself completely.

The past almost three years in Mom’s absence have been laden with responsibilities. The ones amongst us who take Moms for granted, here’s a word of caution. We have no idea what their lives are like till we really put ourselves in their shoes, often only after they are gone. They mask their heart ache, they care unconditionally for their families often putting them first. They are there 24/7 for us, without a complaint or a whine. And their love is like a never ending cornucopia, shielding us from all the pains and sorrows that ever threaten our horizon.

For a fortunate few of us, Moms are priceless, precious, and very loved, and I am so glad I got to experience Mom’s presence and never ending care till her very end. And vice versa.

Perhaps the only thing she never taught me was how to go on when she wouldn’t be around. I guess she didn’t know that time was running out for her as well.

I had to find my own way, often stumbling, scraping my knees, crying alone, gearing myself up, and then learning to live with that pain, knowing that the Mom-sized hole in my heart was here to stay. I stopped looking for a salve, stopped asking when the grief would end, and learnt to find my purpose in life again.

In 2019, La Ultra-The High happened, where I crewed for the very first time. Ultramarathoners from around the world were running distances of 55, 111, 222, 333, 555 kms in the mountains of Ladakh and I got to interview and observe them. And the why question presented itself then.

Why? Why were they subjecting themselves to this run that was touted as “not for the faint hearted?” I got a smattering, a whiff, as I spoke to and heard the runners. But did I really grasp what they were saying? Not till I decided to put myself in their shoes two years later, in 2021.

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There is always a “Why” on running an ultramarathon. People may not know it when they embark on this journey, but the experience brings it to the fore, like a diamond that emerges from the coal, having undergone and been polished by hardships, but emerging as the toughest, most precious gem in the world.

“Just you wait,” the distances, the aching muscles, the heart and the lungs whisper, “until you find out what you are made of.”

I decided I would do my bucket list run, La Ultra The High, in Mom’s memory, whenever I was ready. It seemed like a lofty goal way back in 2019, considering the level of training (at least in my mind) that was needed, and I was trying to wrap my head around it. “In Mom’s memory…” Was it to feel her presence in the expanse of nature that she loved? To dedicate every breath to her at that altitude, knowing that it wouldn’t come easy? To hear her tell me that I was the daughter of a strong woman and that I could find my way again while subjecting myself to this feat? I would soon know.

The finish line at Garhwal Runs 2020: the qualifier for the 55 kms at La Ultra The High

The 33 kms Garhwal Run in March 2020 was a qualifier for the 55 kms at La Ultra, and I set my mind to it. I struggled because of an injury but managed to make it across the finish line with a few minutes to spare thanks to a few special people, like Sailee who paced me in the last 3 kms and encouraged me through the pain and discomfort I felt. I was inching closer, steadily to my dream, but because of the injury, I had to undergo rehabilitation to be able to run again, and was reduced to taking baby steps for two months. If you’ve ever had to experience “taking 5 steps forward, 2 steps back” this was how it felt to me. Yet, to reach a goal you have set, you take everything in your stride.

Like Covid. As a patient who got infected with it, and a mental health professional who was taking care of the onslaught of the pandemic on the lives of several people, there was chaos and busy-ness all around. My training took a back seat, no organized runs happened in 2020, and La Ultra was soon inching away from my horizon, and looking like an indistinct possibility in 2020 at least.

In November that year, I decided to start training with renewed vigor, hoping La Ultra would happen in 2021. The pandemic had taught me quite a few lessons: rolling with the punches, embracing the uncertainty and unpredictability and still taking charge of my life, taking time out for myself to finally pursue my dreams. But most of all, tapping into my endurance potential, both physically and mentally had me all charged up.

I have been blessed to have the support of friends who take it on themselves to make sure my dreams come true; that I was prepared to take on the arduous task of an ultramarathon, that my training was holistic in every way, be it the number of hours I put in, the mileage I clocked per week,  the strength training I needed, tempo and interval runs, nutrition, stress management, getting good quality sleep, and most of all dealing with the out-of-the-blue challenges on the course with a sense of control and equanimity. Chetan has been several friends rolled into one who committed to making my 55k run a dream come true with his training plan all set in place for me. I could see it happening as I saw the transformation within and outside me as I trained with commitment, dedication, and persistence, through the winters, summers, monsoons, and in-betweens of Delhi.

Only for La Ultra to be canceled in 2021 yet again as the deadly second wave of Covid hit.

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The second wave took with it a few very close friends and loved ones of people close to me, leaving me numb and in shock.

With Vaidy, a dear friend and mentor who I lost to Covid.

Vaidy’s loss was one of them. He was one of my biggest supporters and cheerleaders, a wheelchair marathoner himself, and a visionary when it came to the rehabilitation of people with spinal cord injury. The reasons for running this ultramarathon were slowly growing exponentially, and Vaidy’s words of “Always look ahead” (Aaghavendiyatha Paaru)” guided me to take a decision.

To do my own solo run on the official course, because I was double vaccinated, and most importantly, because I realized life shouldn’t be made to wait, fears can’t rule us forever, and dreams need to be lived in full glory, even though there never may be that auspicious, opportune moment. I had waited long enough.

The date was set for September 19th to attempt the 55 kms in Ladakh. The spring in my step increased with each day’s run, where life revolved around the training plan, and I had only one goal in sight: My first ultramarathon.

The focus it brought with it was incredible, even if I say so myself. Everything from nutrition, to managing stress, to mobilizing and strength training, to meditations and visualizations, to setting process goals, learning from setbacks & failures were all here to teach me something valuable. I finally had a purpose to wake up energized each morning, life wasn’t running on auto-pilot anymore. The adrenaline coursing through the veins brought joy, strength, and a vision to make this dream a reality.

And the day was finally here to leave for Ladakh: 5th September 2021, with enough days to hopefully help me acclimatize for the ultra-marathon on the 19th. Yet, one can never be sure and confident what the mountains can do to you, and so feeling humbled and in awe, I landed in Leh, and breathed the cool, crisp mountain air that I had dreamt of for two years.

You get a taste of the altitude when you lug your bags to the taxi stand, and that itself seemed to make the lungs scream. Hmm. Point noted. You have got to take it slow and easy. And to affirm that fact, when we checked into the guest house, the owner advised us to stay in our rooms for two days, and hydrate well. Our rooms were on the 2nd floor, with 32 steps to climb.😊 So after about 8 steps, I needed to pause because I was winded. This should reeaallyyy be fun.

My room overlooked the vibrant fruit, vegetable and flowers garden, which as I observed over the next couple of days was tended to by the entire family who owned the hotel and resided in the same complex. The mountains surrounded us on all sides, and the clear blue sky took on the cloak of lifting the most sagging spirits, and there was silence. Nature has a way of calming the most frayed nerves I realized.

The connect with the mountains was only beginning to get deeper, as I gazed at them over the next few days. In their steadfast silence and dominating stature, there were life lessons that were unfolding, and I was ready to become a student yet again.

I have heard Buddhists say that beautiful landscapes and views are considered sacred and spiritually important, because they coax even the most distressed mind to come into the present moment. They bring about a sense of calmness, new perspectives, ideas, missions, insights, meanings, and whatever else we may need if we truly want to become aware.

At Tso Moriri, Ladakh

Haven’t we often heard ourselves gaze at picturesque views and say, “How surreal!” There is a seemingly apparent reason behind it. Pristine, untouched nature reminds us that we need to step out of our fixed notions, that life is set in structure and form, in our to-do lists, our media presence, our calendars, our rush to the next destination, our visions for ourselves, our futile search for happiness and wanting to be loved. Life is so much beyond all this: It’s vivid, playful, colorful, inviting us to explore the depths of our own beings, in silence, and in introspection, and in the emerging of our true selves. Reality is so layered and multi-dimensional, and yet so uncomplicated and simple. If only we brought out our beginner’s minds to grasp its true meaning.

Those life lessons and more, how I prepped for the run, and how did the actual race day go, in my next post. 😊

The Power of Hope in the Midst of a Pandemic

“What is there to hope for, to look forward to when I am surrounded with so much misery, pain, and suffering?” She asked me, and I, as her psychotherapist had to help her navigate that question.

You may be one of us, who have lost loved ones, or known of people who have lost someone precious to Covid-19, the illness that has ravaged the world, and has India in its vice like grip since the past three weeks and counting. It’s relentless and savage, and is costing us a lot more than we ever imagined. We are experiencing a range of emotions from anger, sadness, anxiety, grief, frustration, helplessness, and yes, hopelessness, in times like these.

From frantic searching for beds in hospitals, to dealing with the acute shortages of life saving medical supplies, to the lack of space, privacy and time to conduct cremations, to dealing with grief as losses hit closer home, with some family members being in different countries who can’t even fly to India to pay their respects one last time. How gut wrenching is this? Really, it is a legitimate question: Is there a silver lining, something to hold on to?

I return to the question asked of me. “What is there to hope for?” A concept I had initially observed, and then researched, and attempted to instil as a rehabilitation psychologist in my sessions with people with spinal cord injuries, and which has been one of the bedrocks of my therapy work till today.

Is hope just another word from the pop psychology realm? A false “feel good” emotion that may not have lasting effects and may bring us crashing down when another rough wave comes?

On the contrary, if you truly see its virtue, hope can be like that lighthouse that brings ships home, even in the most turbulent of seas. When we are surrounded by grim scenarios, grief, suffering, and gloom, hope is that panacea that makes a person balance their present reality, however distressing it may be, with better expectations and outcomes in their days to come, however painstakingly long and evasive it may seem. One persists, and prods and uses hope as a crucial coping mechanism in the face of unrelenting crises, to somehow keep finding the motivation to achieve what is meaningful for them, to salvage a situation, or to keep fighting for a better tomorrow, for themselves and/or their loved ones.

Here are my suggestions on how to bring about hope in your everyday living, as India and the world unite against a deadly virus.

1. It is a natural response to experience anxiety, panic, confusion, numbness, inability to focus and problem solve when a crisis hits. When your mind gets stuck in this state, it triggers off a chain reaction. Fear and panic start to narrow your field of vision and cloud your attention, and it becomes harder to access your internal resources, to see the bigger picture, and what needs to be done to take charge. Please focus on calming and clearing your mind, on regulating your emotions and centering yourself using whatever means have worked for you previously. Mindfulness meditations, breathing exercises, a time out, exercise or any physical activity, journaling, talking to someone and finding a support system are highly recommended, in addition to any techniques that you may have tried before. To be able to tackle a situation at hand, you need to mobilize yourself towards problem solving mode while simultaneously working on reining your emotions in.
   

2. Hope is in reality a motivational state, which involves the interplay between goal directed energy, also known as your sense of personal agency, and the pathways you chalk out to meet those goals. I have known of people who have offered necessary support to their loved ones who are quarantined at home and are living at a distance. From identifying delivery of food and medical supplies as goals, to devising ways and means to accomplish those goals (dropping off at doorsteps, delivery services, identifying doctors to consult etc.), as well as working through obstacles to make sure the said goals are met, people have been working round the clock. Resident Welfare Organizations (RWAs) have stepped in to procure medical supplies and oxygen concentrators for their severely afflicted residents, who are being managed by doctors who live in that neighborhood. People have formed helplines and phone trees to enable quicker access to hospitals. A hope for recovery and survival is what directed their energy and made them spring into action. Identify your goals, energize yourself to meet those goals and find ways to get there, for yourself and your loved ones.
   

3. Take charge of some key aspects of your lives as you go through this phase of helping others and reeling under the impact of the pandemic. It will enable you to have some semblance of control, and a feeling of “normalcy”, and autonomy as well. People have struggled to keep up with work, academic, and home routines as they are constantly pulled into several directions of either helping someone, or feeling helpless at the losses they hear about. Cut yourself some slack, be self-compassionate, but take charge wherever you can.  I would highly emphasize kicking in a self-care toolkit that enables you to enhance your sense of well-being across all domains (spiritual, emotional, physical as priority), finding your focus to take charge of work, and also restricting the excessive inflow of news and updates from social media. I am not asking you to avoid facing reality of what’s happening around, but if you are one who is on all possible social media networks, check if it is making you more anxious, depressed, frustrated, and hopeless. And if the answer is yes, then you need to do something about it.
   

4. Grieve your losses if you have experienced them directly or indirectly. It’s OK to cry, to express your anger, to make space for your heavy heart and the bereavement you may be experiencing. Everyone has their own way of feeling the impact of grief. Please don’t suppress it or put it on the back burner or resist feeling them. Emotions need to be worked through because sooner or later they may come up in insidious ways and impact you psychologically. And to bounce back, to be resilient, and to enhance your ability to manage things, grief must get its due.

5. Build your psychological resilience. In challenging times, managing our minds that increases our ability to keep surfing turbulent waves becomes crucial so that we are able to take charge of the crisis at hand. My first question to myself when a crisis hits is: “What can I do to tackle this problem?” It then trickles down to: “Is there something that needs committed action? And if the situation can’t be changed, can I accept what’s beyond my control and take charge of what is?” The struggling medical infrastructure in Delhi especially is beyond anyone’s control at this point. Can I still provide solace and comfort to those who are caught in the grip of it? Can I make space for the grief and helplessness that comes by and let it ease through my mind and body? Can I still bring myself up to providing support as much as I can? All these factors are in my control and I choose to take charge of them.
   

6. Extend compassion to others. We are all overstretched, burnt out, and tired. We are unable to meet our loved ones because of lockdowns in place. But see if you can reach out to people more virtually, with the intention of being compassionate. Ask yourself, “How can I help this person to have a better day?” It could just be to share their burdens, to listen empathetically, to stand next to them in solidarity, to just say you care. Now is the time when we need each other the most. Be the beacon of hope for others by being there. People recognize the efforts we make for them even if they don’t have the desired outcome because the situation is beyond our control. You may also find yourself looking for comfort and solace from people who may be overworked, responding to the needs of the pandemic, or taking care of their own crises, and who may not be there for you physically. They could use some empathy and compassion too. They may want to be there, but they also are tied down by limits on their time and psychological & physical resources.

7. Ask yourself how you are coping with the crises that are affecting you? Maladaptive/ineffective coping looks like this: “Why me?” “Life always treats me badly.” “I have no clue how to deal with this.” “There is nothing I can do.” “The system is to blame.” “I must be strong at all times.”

   Adaptive coping makes you take on responsibility and look for options. You try to take charge of the situation and your emotions as much as possible. It looks like this: “What can I do to make things better?” “What have I learned in the past that will help me get through this?” “How do I want to be in this situation?” What can I do to take care of my own needs in this situation?” “What should I invest my energy in and what should I not?” “If there is nothing I can do, what can I do?”

   We all differ in the ways in which we deal with challenging life events. What stands in front of us today is a common force that we have to contend with. While some of us may give up and experience intense, chronic distress, others persist and face life’s biggest challenges with hope and resilience. The mind expands, our eyes open to what stands in front of us, we acknowledge the crisis, we calm our fears down, and we see possibilities for ourselves and others which may bring us a ray of hope even through the darkest clouds.
   

   However stormy the skies may be, a rainbow emerges as a prism that disperses iridescent light in several directions. It manages to lift our spirits and makes us marvel at the possibilities that emerge. Hope is the same – our mind’s very own personal rainbow.
   
   And so, I urge you to choose hope. Every time. Now. And in the future. Despite the odds.