The Changing Face of Grief

When someone you truly, deeply love passes on, the gushing memories built over the years make the initial days, and months so inextricably difficult. Every small detail, a smell, a sighting, a song triggers you into missing them. Wherever you look, you remember how you spent time with them, how the daily rituals were your thing, how occasions were celebrated, how even the smallest moment was so special.

And the years start piling up. Grief changes shape, but still remains, sometimes giving the illusion that we may be doing better, and sometimes it hits like a ton of bricks. There are moments I catch some fears making their presence felt, “I hope I don’t lose the hold on these memories as I age.” A thin yet menacingly impenetrable layer of dust starts accumulating on those tiny details which were so a part of you. And you fight to hold on.

“Everyday is Mother’s Day,” I would tell Mom, even though we would have a special ritual of going for a Sunday brunch as a family every weekend. But I would fuss over her a bit extra that day, writing a post, taking pictures, archiving them for later, so that I could look back on them and smile, and be grateful for having had the good fortune of being her daughter.

Today, her absence obviously caused an ache to my heart, especially since I am also reeling from another bout of flu. She would have done her bit to nurse me back to health: home remedies, ensuring I had eaten, or just to check in to see how I was doing.

When a chance allowed, later in the day, I went out to get a breath of fresh air, and I saw groups of people all around, daughters and mothers shopping together, generations of a family having a meal together, and some of us, grieving the loss of our mother, and remembering them by sipping on a cup of tea, their favorite beverage.

So, if I had to face my irrational fear of aging taking over and the memories getting lost in the passage of time, today was the day. Even though her scent fades from her sarees I still wear, her lilting voice not calling out to us now, there are so many ways she is etched, indelibly on my heart.

My awareness shifted to the several ways in which Mom lives on, eternally, and the universe often reminding me of her continuing love and presence.

- Through the love of my sisters and the wisdom of my father. In the most difficult times, they have pointed me in the direction that Mom would have wanted me to take. And yet, they worry silently like her, but show an exterior of strength

- In the wondrous realm of nature, amidst the lush green trees and beautiful landscapes of Kerala, where I went for a health retreat. I would do a walking meditation for 30 minutes twice a day, and would walk by a large tree, with the most beautiful purple flowers, whose canopy of leaves was so spread out that even in the scorching sun, there would be a calming freshness beneath the shade. I would invariably stand still below the tree, close my eyes, feel the breeze, and the stillness within. A smile would creep up, and I would often say, this is how I would feel in Mom’s presence. Protected, safe, calm, happy, and strong.

In this context, these lines from the old Yesudas song, to me, are the embodiment of Mom:

"मधुबन खुशबू देता है / The garden shares its fragrance

सागर सावन देता है / The ocean gives us the life-giving monsoon

जीना उसका जीना है, जो औरों को जीवन देता है/ A life worth living is one that makes others feel alive

सूरज न बन पाए तो, बन के दीपक जलता चल / If you cannot be the sun, live like a light-giving lamp..."

फूल मिले या अंगारे, सच की राहों पे चलता चल / Whether on a path strewn with flowers or hot coals, keep treading the path of truth...

This song was written for our tribe…

I was reading a book which talked about the healing effect of being out in nature. How when you are gazing at the beauty of nature in awe, be it in the mountains of Ladakh under a clear, star studded sky, or the sunrise in Kanyakumari, or in a forest in Kerala, you are periodically being nudged out of yourself to think about connectedness to something bigger than you. People who are open to such experiences are cognitively wired to grow and learn and move on, and do something that feels transformative, enabling them to transcend life’s struggles and change our self-image. I finally knew what the author meant, because I was experiencing it every moment that I was outside, awe struck. And could also resonate with the Eskimo legend, “Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy.”

- Mom, as the President of the Residents Welfare Association, had put signages with uplifting quotes on them. The one I pass by every morning that I go for a run says, “Always remember, today is going to be a great day.” I could hear it in her voice

- I am known to be the recluse in our neighborhood. But on that chance meeting with someone on the road, if they get to know where I live, I am often met with, “You are Mrs. Parashar’s daughter!!! Such a lovely woman she was. We miss her so much.” Even after 5 ½ years. I walk back home with a smile because I can just see Mom laughing and chatting with everyone around. And continuing to do all the wonderful work for the residents that she was known for.

- When Vatsala (Mom’s namesake) wished me “Happy Mother’s Day, Daadi,” I am reminded of how Shaurya and Mona have ensured that there will always be a mini-Mom prancing around me, who is as funky, fiery, chirpy, and happy as Mom was.

- When I close my eyes and ask her about important decisions in life, and I still feel her wisdom showering down on me. The step I take then is resolute, firm, unshaken. Even if it is my heart and mind’s imagination, at least I feel the strength coursing through my veins. I know I just need to follow my Mom’s ingrained-over-the-years-wisdom, my North Star.

- The commitment to work I bring every day, inculcated by Mom, to do seva, be there for others, to speak every word with kindness, and to show integrity every moment, every step of the way.

- In being there for family and friends, even though there may be times I may have faltered on that in the past year, but to somehow find my way back to them, to provide and seek comfort and solace, and to grow some roots so that soon, collectively, we grow akin to that tree in Kerala, the Neermathalan.

I was jolted out of my thoughts when the laughter of the family next to me rang in my ears. I smiled, feeling happy for them, acutely aware that in the shifting sands of time, I was once in their place, with lightness in my being, cherishing the moment, feeling the bonds of family wrap themselves around me, and yet, things were so similar and yet so confusingly different at the same time.

I came back home, and a package was waiting for me. It was from Jassi, my boy. I opened the contents, and shed a few happy tears. He knew just how to strike a chord. We were united in grief today, as we both missed our moms, and yet, here was the most precious Mother’s Day message from him. He had sensed my fears across the silence and the distance. Or maybe these fears of losing a loved one’s memories even, had haunted him way before they had begun for me.

“Happy Mother’s Day…Well, Whom am I kidding. It is tough to be really happy on this day. However, we can always cherish the happy memories

I know aunty liked maintaining her garden, so perhaps this activity will be a nice way to remember her…”

Jassi, in his own way reminded me that every moment of being alive is a way to remember her, to honor her, to cherish her. Because it is a soul connection that will always carry me through a lifetime of smiles and tears, connected by heartstrings into infinity...

"I Just Don't Feel Like It."

One of the most common responses in a therapy session that I hear is “I just don’t feel like it.” This could be in response to activities that are meant to enhance overall health and well-being such as eating healthy, getting out of bed on time and starting our day, exercising, following through deadlines, finishing chores, staying connected with our loved ones, socializing, communicating with empathy, fixing a chronic, long standing problem, and the list could go on.

“I just don’t feel like it.”
“I don’t have the energy to engage.”
“What’s the point of doing this XYZ thing?”

These responses have a whiff of sadness to them, which oftentimes signal the beginning of the spiral towards clinical depression even, or actually being stuck in the thick quicksand of misery and apathy. Here's what tends to happen: The more we stay in the rut of “I don’t feel like it,” the more the sadness perpetuates. I am here to tell you act in the exact opposite way to feel better. But first, I have to tell you why I am suggesting this.

Strong emotions are associated with urges; for example, when feeling stressed or depressed, one has the urge to escape life, avoid people, stay in bed, not face the world, often also not engaging in good self care. It just feels like the right thing to do, even though the rational mind lurking behind the scenes is screaming that acting this way is often not in one’s best interest. Research has also pointed out that acting out on emotionally charged urges adds fuel to the fire and strengthens the emotion rather than lessening it. Here’s why this double whammy happens. When acting often unreasonably, based on our impulses, we are moving away from our internal compass which stores our values and morals, our sense of cohesive self that we would like to uphold. But because our emotions and resulting urges are in the driving seat they tend to trigger secondary distressing emotions and thoughts that may be replete with guilt, self-criticism, and a further weakening sense of self.

The more we respond in a certain way, the more likely it is to repeat, becoming a pattern. My range of responses to stress could vary from going for a run, to sit in silence and process the situation that I am confronted with, to problem solve, or in some rare cases, to take a nap, or watch OTT, or indulge in some emotional eating, ice cream being my go to food. Our behaviors may be different at different times, but what is understood is that a typical way of responding becomes hard wired and becomes a knee jerk impulse, which often does more harm than good

How do we move past the “I don’t feel like doing this” roadblock that comes in the way of our well-being? By learning to act contrary to the urges and move from a maladaptive reaction to an adaptive one. Sounds simple, yet the motivation to do this needs to be high and the one way to bring that up is by asking if the urge riddled reactions are working for you. More specifically, “Will choosing the opposite action bring me peace and happiness?”  

I always like building awareness and understanding first so let’s look at a list of common reactions to emotions and ways of choosing the opposite, more adaptive response. This following activity is created by Drs. Lucinda Poole and Hugo Alberts which they have further adapted from Williams and Kraft’s (2012) “Choosing the Opposite Reaction.” These authors are credited here for their work.

Are there situations in your life where you are feeling stuck, far removed from your inner compass, values, and preferred ways of functioning which is adding to your despair, or simply making life seem chaotic, unpredictable, and messy? These situations could be in the areas of work, relationships, personal health and development, recreation, overall well being, or even the smallest of things that could take you away from your goals (Like a new season of my favorite show coming by and delaying completing this blog 😉. I learnt valuable lessons on staying on track and watching OTT only when my list of tasks for the day were completed)

Think of five (or more situations) and document what is going on at a feeling or emotional level as a result of being “stuck” or distracted, what your usual knee jerk, keeping-you-in-your-comfort-zone reaction and outcome is, and if you are feeling ready and courageous enough, then what the outcome of the opposite, more adaptive response would be.

Your reflections would look something like this, by tracking your insights on the following:

1. The life situation (work, relationships, health, recreation, personal development etc.):
2. Feelings and emotions experienced in the life situations:
3. Usual response and outcome:
4. Opposite reaction and likely result/outcome:
5. Insights gained:

Remember though, that whenever you look at a life situation, it is important to consider both responses and choose the opposite ONLY if it is the best course of action. So remember to ask yourself: Will choosing the opposite action bring about a positive outcome? Don’t fall prey to doing the hard work and end up justifying why the opposite reaction may not be most preferred. I see this a lot in the area of health and well-being. Knowing that exercise and eating healthy will bring a favorable outcome but because it is hard work and involves eating unhealthy food in moderation, and stepping out to work out, people will justify the status quo and continue to perpetuate their misery in another form.

Choosing the opposite responses will enable us to take charge of our lives, build our self-confidence, lead us to the life that we have set a vision for, and add to our happiness quotient.

Give it a shot, will you? 😊