The Changing Face of Grief

When someone you truly, deeply love passes on, the gushing memories built over the years make the initial days, and months so inextricably difficult. Every small detail, a smell, a sighting, a song triggers you into missing them. Wherever you look, you remember how you spent time with them, how the daily rituals were your thing, how occasions were celebrated, how even the smallest moment was so special.

And the years start piling up. Grief changes shape, but still remains, sometimes giving the illusion that we may be doing better, and sometimes it hits like a ton of bricks. There are moments I catch some fears making their presence felt, “I hope I don’t lose the hold on these memories as I age.” A thin yet menacingly impenetrable layer of dust starts accumulating on those tiny details which were so a part of you. And you fight to hold on.

“Everyday is Mother’s Day,” I would tell Mom, even though we would have a special ritual of going for a Sunday brunch as a family every weekend. But I would fuss over her a bit extra that day, writing a post, taking pictures, archiving them for later, so that I could look back on them and smile, and be grateful for having had the good fortune of being her daughter.

Today, her absence obviously caused an ache to my heart, especially since I am also reeling from another bout of flu. She would have done her bit to nurse me back to health: home remedies, ensuring I had eaten, or just to check in to see how I was doing.

When a chance allowed, later in the day, I went out to get a breath of fresh air, and I saw groups of people all around, daughters and mothers shopping together, generations of a family having a meal together, and some of us, grieving the loss of our mother, and remembering them by sipping on a cup of tea, their favorite beverage.

So, if I had to face my irrational fear of aging taking over and the memories getting lost in the passage of time, today was the day. Even though her scent fades from her sarees I still wear, her lilting voice not calling out to us now, there are so many ways she is etched, indelibly on my heart.

My awareness shifted to the several ways in which Mom lives on, eternally, and the universe often reminding me of her continuing love and presence.

- Through the love of my sisters and the wisdom of my father. In the most difficult times, they have pointed me in the direction that Mom would have wanted me to take. And yet, they worry silently like her, but show an exterior of strength

- In the wondrous realm of nature, amidst the lush green trees and beautiful landscapes of Kerala, where I went for a health retreat. I would do a walking meditation for 30 minutes twice a day, and would walk by a large tree, with the most beautiful purple flowers, whose canopy of leaves was so spread out that even in the scorching sun, there would be a calming freshness beneath the shade. I would invariably stand still below the tree, close my eyes, feel the breeze, and the stillness within. A smile would creep up, and I would often say, this is how I would feel in Mom’s presence. Protected, safe, calm, happy, and strong.

In this context, these lines from the old Yesudas song, to me, are the embodiment of Mom:

"मधुबन खुशबू देता है / The garden shares its fragrance

सागर सावन देता है / The ocean gives us the life-giving monsoon

जीना उसका जीना है, जो औरों को जीवन देता है/ A life worth living is one that makes others feel alive

सूरज न बन पाए तो, बन के दीपक जलता चल / If you cannot be the sun, live like a light-giving lamp..."

फूल मिले या अंगारे, सच की राहों पे चलता चल / Whether on a path strewn with flowers or hot coals, keep treading the path of truth...

This song was written for our tribe…

I was reading a book which talked about the healing effect of being out in nature. How when you are gazing at the beauty of nature in awe, be it in the mountains of Ladakh under a clear, star studded sky, or the sunrise in Kanyakumari, or in a forest in Kerala, you are periodically being nudged out of yourself to think about connectedness to something bigger than you. People who are open to such experiences are cognitively wired to grow and learn and move on, and do something that feels transformative, enabling them to transcend life’s struggles and change our self-image. I finally knew what the author meant, because I was experiencing it every moment that I was outside, awe struck. And could also resonate with the Eskimo legend, “Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy.”

- Mom, as the President of the Residents Welfare Association, had put signages with uplifting quotes on them. The one I pass by every morning that I go for a run says, “Always remember, today is going to be a great day.” I could hear it in her voice

- I am known to be the recluse in our neighborhood. But on that chance meeting with someone on the road, if they get to know where I live, I am often met with, “You are Mrs. Parashar’s daughter!!! Such a lovely woman she was. We miss her so much.” Even after 5 ½ years. I walk back home with a smile because I can just see Mom laughing and chatting with everyone around. And continuing to do all the wonderful work for the residents that she was known for.

- When Vatsala (Mom’s namesake) wished me “Happy Mother’s Day, Daadi,” I am reminded of how Shaurya and Mona have ensured that there will always be a mini-Mom prancing around me, who is as funky, fiery, chirpy, and happy as Mom was.

- When I close my eyes and ask her about important decisions in life, and I still feel her wisdom showering down on me. The step I take then is resolute, firm, unshaken. Even if it is my heart and mind’s imagination, at least I feel the strength coursing through my veins. I know I just need to follow my Mom’s ingrained-over-the-years-wisdom, my North Star.

- The commitment to work I bring every day, inculcated by Mom, to do seva, be there for others, to speak every word with kindness, and to show integrity every moment, every step of the way.

- In being there for family and friends, even though there may be times I may have faltered on that in the past year, but to somehow find my way back to them, to provide and seek comfort and solace, and to grow some roots so that soon, collectively, we grow akin to that tree in Kerala, the Neermathalan.

I was jolted out of my thoughts when the laughter of the family next to me rang in my ears. I smiled, feeling happy for them, acutely aware that in the shifting sands of time, I was once in their place, with lightness in my being, cherishing the moment, feeling the bonds of family wrap themselves around me, and yet, things were so similar and yet so confusingly different at the same time.

I came back home, and a package was waiting for me. It was from Jassi, my boy. I opened the contents, and shed a few happy tears. He knew just how to strike a chord. We were united in grief today, as we both missed our moms, and yet, here was the most precious Mother’s Day message from him. He had sensed my fears across the silence and the distance. Or maybe these fears of losing a loved one’s memories even, had haunted him way before they had begun for me.

“Happy Mother’s Day…Well, Whom am I kidding. It is tough to be really happy on this day. However, we can always cherish the happy memories

I know aunty liked maintaining her garden, so perhaps this activity will be a nice way to remember her…”

Jassi, in his own way reminded me that every moment of being alive is a way to remember her, to honor her, to cherish her. Because it is a soul connection that will always carry me through a lifetime of smiles and tears, connected by heartstrings into infinity...

My Top 10 Cornerstones of Successful Therapy

“Doc it feels like a fairy tale to me. How Rahul (names changed to maintain confidentiality) and I have come through such turbulent times and now we are in calm waters, back to how we were, maybe even better, before we went through the challenges of the past two years.” Shreya said this recently in a marital therapy session with the three of us present. They both expressed how grateful they were that I helped in so many ways. And I, like always, put the success of the sessions back onto the clients I work with, because it is their persistence, patience, strength, fortitude, and the sight of the goals despite the tough process that makes the journey meaningful for them and for me in a way. I have seen this more so for the couples I work with. If they know they want to make it work, they literally go through the fire and come out unscathed and happier on the other side, because there is so much at stake.

I will be honest. Therapy sessions are no cake walk when done right. It starts off with people feeling extremely vulnerable as they reach out for a person who they have to learn to trust with their inner most world. “How can I bare my anxieties, angst, frustrations, problems, my core to a person I just don’t know?” “Will I be judged for seeking out help?” “Am I so weak that I can’t deal with this on my own?” And yet they realize that the mounting burden of their miseries far outweigh the rawness they feel in their gut and they make that first contact with someone like me.

Healing is a journey whose trajectory is unknown. There is no straight line from point A to point B in most cases, I have seen. And using this example of the fairy tale, let me write about what actually goes on behind the scenes in therapy, what factors determine outcomes of those sessions, what about people like Shreya and Rahul who have gone through so much in two years makes them finally see the light at the end of a dark tunnel which often had obstacles thrown in the way too. These observations hold true for individual therapy as well as couples therapy and I may use examples of either/or as I write along.

Here are my “Top 10 recommendations for making therapy successful”

For what specific reason(s) am I seeking therapy? Am I on the same page as my partner on the aspects we need to work on? Is it improving communication and conflict management skills, building emotional intimacy, working through an incident (or a series) which caused the relationship to fracture, figuring out whether they have it in them to make the relationship work or should they part ways, parenting tips, or anything else that is unique to the couple’s relationship that warrants attention. In case goals are misaligned, well, then they work towards addressing that conflict first and be on the same page. 

When difficult conversations happen, they leave us rattled, undoubtedly. What was suppressed for long, emerges like a tempest at times, which one may not be braced for. One of the foremost things to do in therapy is to learn how to manage those emotional sweep-aways, be able to ground yourself, and to drop an anchor so that you are able to manage your thoughts and emotions and bring them to baseline while the work continues to be underway. These skills vary from mindfulness techniques, to setting boundaries, to communicating effectively, or to learn when to take a time out and reconvene at a later time, when the emotional surge has subsided. These are customized based on the individual’s preferences, their unique nature, and what they are willing to work with and build on.

One of my favorite memories of my childhood is when my mother would start knitting a sweater, and in preparation, she would make neat spheres of wool so that she could knit tangle-free. I would be asked to stand with my arms bent at the elbows, shoulder width apart with the wool wrapped around my hands while she lovingly sorted through the knots and tangles and made those spheres. Therapy is something like that. Sorting through tangles, with love and compassion, to wade through the mess, to get stuck at some point, and to focus with love and attention so that the mess eases out. When people are making progress, and there is often a small blip or a slight relapse, they panic. Bad days will happen even when therapy is progressing well, while the frequency and/or the severity may reduce but nevertheless blips are expected. If they take that in their stride, centre and ground themselves, it bodes well, but if they get distressed at yet another stressor adding to the burden, and that distress remains then precious time is lost. We all will have some bad days even when life is going well, so it’s best to just take that in our stride, and work through those difficult moments. It would be best if people can learn to rides these tides and stay focused on their goals, have trust in the process, and keep forging ahead. That’s how life is!

When a therapist facilitates sessions, there are interventions or suggestions that nudge people to deeper reflections, to face issues, which often entails stepping out of their comfort zones. When they trust the process, each other, and most importantly the therapist, when guards and facades are dropped, an inner transformation due to the collaborative work often emerges. I am forever grateful to those people, who have placed their faith, their lives, their inner worlds in my hands, and have walked along with me, unwaveringly with their hopeful sights on a better tomorrow. It makes it easier to navigate those moments when we as therapists have also been at the receiving end of anger, bitterness, harsh words, and other transference issues from clients.

Being honest not just with themselves, but with each other, and the therapist. There is truth to “Truth comes with a price,” “Truth is a bitter pill to swallow.” Clients often find it difficult to speak the truth for several fears: of hurting their partner, of being at the receiving end of their anger, of shame, of issues escalating manifold, or for fear of disrupting the peace and harmony that has evaded them so long. And so sensitive issues are often withheld which threaten the basic foundation of any relationship, let alone a therapeutic one. Transparency, honesty, and facing the truth rather than finding comfort in hiding behind it and delaying the inevitable revelation may seem a difficult path to traverse, but is the one to walk on for sure. When couples express their thoughts and emotions freely, without censoring anything, without walking on egg shells, and when they can patiently listen to and understand each other, is when lasting changes happen.

When we were at the depth of processing a very sensitive issue that had confronted Shreya & Rahul in the past, another major stressor showed up in their life, which again threatened to shake the foundation of their relationship. Conflicts escalated temporarily, and in their despair and while engaging in catharsis, they both asked if the relationship was worth the struggle they were finding themselves in. They then stepped back and saw that their emotions were ruling their thoughts and they again laid their eyes on the goal of making their relationship work because of the high value they both had in each other’s life and how they had shared dreams of raising a family together, parenting their two teenage kids, traveling the world, sharing interests and hobbies, being each other’s cheerleaders, supporting each other’s dreams, and just the simple fact that despite the challenges and incidents there was a whole lot of love they had for each other. When they were able to step away from seeing everything through the lens of their frazzled emotions, and saw what they were working towards, and what they would lose if they let go, they were back with a renewed commitment and a focus on working things through.  

Therapy isn’t about me wielding a magic wand, as most people think or ask me in jest. I like being redundant once my work is done which means that the people I work with have to learn the skills and do the deep work that therapy entails. They shouldn’t be seeing me for life. Therapy is a two-way street, and I like active participation of the clients because after all, it is their life that they are shaping. There are skills we like clients to learn, and however difficult they may seem, or whatever resistance shows up, if those learnings are indicated, then motivation must be built to imbibe them. While catharsis has its role in sessions, only engaging in that and not showing any visible shifts in well-being means that more work needs to be done. I have found the most successful outcomes in clients who take charge of their lives, assume responsibility for their actions, and are open to feedback.

One of the most challenging concepts that couples particularly struggle with is “agreeing to disagree.” They want their partners to see and endorse their point of view and it often culminates in two people trying to argue with each other in an endless loop, without putting their own agendas aside and listening and understanding effectively. It becomes a battle of the egos. Sometimes all we need to hear is, “It makes sense to me how you saw this, and what your perceptions and needs are. I get it. I can see why this can upset you.” Easier said than done, one might think, right? But why? It’s because we struggle with not being heard and our point of view being accepted. If one person wants to win, the relationship invariably loses. If we reach out and empathize with our partner, with a focus on hearing out each other, and reaching a resolution, we are looking at some good times. I have often noticed a softening when I hear someone say, “Do you think I understood what you were trying to say? If not, what do I need to know to understand your perspective better? And making sure that there is a deeper understanding and connect.

Why are we so afraid to look deep within, to see how events and generations and histories, and even our own thoughts, feelings, and actions have influenced us? Why are we afraid of looking at our scars and inner wounds and why do we not allow ourselves to look at our inner child with compassion and do the necessary work to heal? Therapy is akin to just tenderly taking care of a wound and healing it for good than just applying a band aid for a temporary fix. If we commit to dig deep to unearth what lies buried and  repressed that is causing angst in the here and now, we will move towards a longer lasting impact and a better, integrated self. Words that a former client said to me still ring in my ears, “Doc, band aids don’t fix bullet holes.”

We rarely give ourselves kudos for a job well done, for small wins that make a difference to our days and lives. Could we get out of bed and start our day without being engulfed with self-critical thoughts or bursting into a flood of tears? Did we manage to have an amicable, peaceful conversation about a stressor rather than getting into a heated argument? Did I enjoy going out with a friend rather than staying holed up at home feeling sad and depressed? These are small wins which cumulatively help us to reach towards our final goal/destination. Celebrate them!

Therapy needs to be owned by the people receiving it. If you are investing in your mental health, it will serve you well to take responsibility for it and to play your part in ensuring a successful outcome. When hearts and minds come together to heal, a wondrous metamorphosis happens. So, if you are considering investing in your mental health, do make a mental note of these pointers so that you come away healed and transformed. It can be magical that way.