"I Just Don't Feel Like It."

One of the most common responses in a therapy session that I hear is “I just don’t feel like it.” This could be in response to activities that are meant to enhance overall health and well-being such as eating healthy, getting out of bed on time and starting our day, exercising, following through deadlines, finishing chores, staying connected with our loved ones, socializing, communicating with empathy, fixing a chronic, long standing problem, and the list could go on.

“I just don’t feel like it.”
“I don’t have the energy to engage.”
“What’s the point of doing this XYZ thing?”

These responses have a whiff of sadness to them, which oftentimes signal the beginning of the spiral towards clinical depression even, or actually being stuck in the thick quicksand of misery and apathy. Here's what tends to happen: The more we stay in the rut of “I don’t feel like it,” the more the sadness perpetuates. I am here to tell you act in the exact opposite way to feel better. But first, I have to tell you why I am suggesting this.

Strong emotions are associated with urges; for example, when feeling stressed or depressed, one has the urge to escape life, avoid people, stay in bed, not face the world, often also not engaging in good self care. It just feels like the right thing to do, even though the rational mind lurking behind the scenes is screaming that acting this way is often not in one’s best interest. Research has also pointed out that acting out on emotionally charged urges adds fuel to the fire and strengthens the emotion rather than lessening it. Here’s why this double whammy happens. When acting often unreasonably, based on our impulses, we are moving away from our internal compass which stores our values and morals, our sense of cohesive self that we would like to uphold. But because our emotions and resulting urges are in the driving seat they tend to trigger secondary distressing emotions and thoughts that may be replete with guilt, self-criticism, and a further weakening sense of self.

The more we respond in a certain way, the more likely it is to repeat, becoming a pattern. My range of responses to stress could vary from going for a run, to sit in silence and process the situation that I am confronted with, to problem solve, or in some rare cases, to take a nap, or watch OTT, or indulge in some emotional eating, ice cream being my go to food. Our behaviors may be different at different times, but what is understood is that a typical way of responding becomes hard wired and becomes a knee jerk impulse, which often does more harm than good

How do we move past the “I don’t feel like doing this” roadblock that comes in the way of our well-being? By learning to act contrary to the urges and move from a maladaptive reaction to an adaptive one. Sounds simple, yet the motivation to do this needs to be high and the one way to bring that up is by asking if the urge riddled reactions are working for you. More specifically, “Will choosing the opposite action bring me peace and happiness?”  

I always like building awareness and understanding first so let’s look at a list of common reactions to emotions and ways of choosing the opposite, more adaptive response. This following activity is created by Drs. Lucinda Poole and Hugo Alberts which they have further adapted from Williams and Kraft’s (2012) “Choosing the Opposite Reaction.” These authors are credited here for their work.

Are there situations in your life where you are feeling stuck, far removed from your inner compass, values, and preferred ways of functioning which is adding to your despair, or simply making life seem chaotic, unpredictable, and messy? These situations could be in the areas of work, relationships, personal health and development, recreation, overall well being, or even the smallest of things that could take you away from your goals (Like a new season of my favorite show coming by and delaying completing this blog 😉. I learnt valuable lessons on staying on track and watching OTT only when my list of tasks for the day were completed)

Think of five (or more situations) and document what is going on at a feeling or emotional level as a result of being “stuck” or distracted, what your usual knee jerk, keeping-you-in-your-comfort-zone reaction and outcome is, and if you are feeling ready and courageous enough, then what the outcome of the opposite, more adaptive response would be.

Your reflections would look something like this, by tracking your insights on the following:

1. The life situation (work, relationships, health, recreation, personal development etc.):
2. Feelings and emotions experienced in the life situations:
3. Usual response and outcome:
4. Opposite reaction and likely result/outcome:
5. Insights gained:

Remember though, that whenever you look at a life situation, it is important to consider both responses and choose the opposite ONLY if it is the best course of action. So remember to ask yourself: Will choosing the opposite action bring about a positive outcome? Don’t fall prey to doing the hard work and end up justifying why the opposite reaction may not be most preferred. I see this a lot in the area of health and well-being. Knowing that exercise and eating healthy will bring a favorable outcome but because it is hard work and involves eating unhealthy food in moderation, and stepping out to work out, people will justify the status quo and continue to perpetuate their misery in another form.

Choosing the opposite responses will enable us to take charge of our lives, build our self-confidence, lead us to the life that we have set a vision for, and add to our happiness quotient.

Give it a shot, will you? 😊

"Adulting is Hard"

When my now 24 year old niece got her first job two years ago, she would often quip, “Adulting is hard, man!” We would all laugh with her taking in that light moment. But around me I can’t help notice that people ARE in fact struggling so much with life. A friend came over the other day and with his gaze transfixed to the floor, deep in thought, he said, “Life can be so boring. The same routine, wake up, go to work, come back, barely get any time with family, eat, sleep, repeat. It’s lonely, D,” he said.

I opened my eyes, ears, and heart to people around, including to my own self. What was happening to so many of us out there? Disconnected, isolated, lonely, dejected, overwhelmed, guarded, sad, distant people, with an empty, forlorn look in their eyes stared back at me.

Around this time, my closest friend from school sent me something to read titled, “Are we going through a friendship recession?” A survey done on the Americans revealed that there is in fact a friendship recession going on where the presence of close friends is declining and we have fewer people to rely on in times of crisis. The factors leading to this decline ranged from geographic mobility, increased responsibility towards child rearing, the increasing focus on a work centric culture and “workism,” overall breakdown of relationships which lead to separation of friend groups as well. In a country like India, you can add the additional responsibility of caregiving for aging parents to that list.

Has the pandemic added to this disintegration of meaningful connections? Just as I was pondering over this question, I got a new referral. “I want to know if I am an introvert and how I can change that?” As I went on an exploratory journey with this young man, working from home, he revealed that he was a lot more outgoing before the pandemic hit, but had become socially more anxious since he has been working from home since 2020, preferred to isolate himself, and couldn’t seem to voice an opinion when in groups. We explored relationship stresses resulting in mood disturbances which further made him isolate himself, distancing himself from the relationships that brought some comfort and respite.

Humans are wired to be social beings, and it has been known that friendships are crucial for overall well-being, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and here we are, crumbling under external factors and pressures which have not only hindered the maintenance of relationships, but we find ourselves perplexed at how do we even create new ones? The result of this decline is leading to what people identify as loneliness, boredom, sadness, running the same rat race, which further impacts overall health. We may not feel this, or realize the import of, but it’s eroding the fabric of our very selves.

The survey further showed that in 2021, 15% of men reported lacking a close friend versus only 3% in 1990, in a time of crisis 45% of men would have turned to a close friend for help in 1990, versus only 22% of them in 2021. Female friendships saw a different trend where during the pandemic it was reported that more than half of the women lost touch with their friends, implicating that for female friendships, in person physical contact may be more important, whereas for men it could be more technology driven.

The fear is that if this trend continues we would see isolated, atomized, island-like individuals who see life as a continuous struggle, posing challenges at every step, which adds to their level of suffering. The glass will always seem half full, which would further perpetuate sadness and ill-health.

On my birthday almost a month ago, I was soaking in so much love, blessings, and wishes from people in my life. What was most overwhelming, in a good way, were the people who reached out to me, who I would have expected to give up on me, because I had lost contact with them. You see, I am known to be an ostrich who buries her head in the sand when going through a difficult time, and I tune out the world while I work through whatever it is that caused me to derail. People who truly mattered, didn’t give up on me, and love shone through so brilliantly those few days. As I reflected some more, the strong influences of meaningful connections, vulnerability, belongingness, and love came to my mind as I was lifted out of the isolating vortex I had been finding myself in. The pick me up from all the calls and messages was weaving a magical charm.

We search for connection, to belong, to care, to be cared for, to love. Whether we realize it or not, it does seem to be a natural instinct, unless we put strong walls around to self-preserve. Love and belonging are touted to be irreducible needs for all individuals.

Why are we increasingly feeling this unshakeable sense of isolation and loneliness? Why does this feeling of belongingness to others seem so fractured? I realized that we have to belong to ourselves first as much as we need to belong to others, and that itself is suffering these days. How often are we willing to be open and vulnerable to others, where we own our authentic selves and are willing to share it with the world, fearlessly? How often are we content in our heart, spirit, and soul where we choose to look for that sacredness in being a part of something larger than life, or even in standing alone and burning through the fire, only to come out stronger on the other side?

We all have that one friend who never gives up on us, however out of touch we may be over months or even years. We can pick up from where we left, and we can be who we are; we don’t need to fit in, we don’t need to appease, we can just be. The beauty of such friendships is that we can be vulnerable, raw, and open, we can share the most uncomfortable feelings and yet we will feel safe. No facades, no pretences, just a beautiful melding of two hearts that shares the sorrows and doubles the joys. Are these relationships getting buried under the heavy stresses and strains of daily living? At the centre of loneliness we are denying ourselves of meaningful connections such as these; and of emotional intimacy, friendships, family gatherings, and even work connections, making us turn more and more inward, not necessarily in the most healthiest of ways.

The cycle gets perpetuated, of sadness, withdrawal from meaningful connections & activities, and sadness again and we find ourselves feeling like this state is unchanging, it is what it is.

But the antidote is in the problem itself. We have to acknowledge that it is important to actively work on friendships, even for an introvert like me, who is very content with a few close friends. Till the time we don’t set the intention, our actions won’t follow. Because like anything else, relationships require work, and effort and the outcomes are totally worth it. You never know who pulls you out of the slumps with a kind hug, a piece of advice, some humor, a compassionate sounding board, or just with some silly banter. And to be open, and willing to share, to belong to ourselves first, to see ourselves through the lens of compassion and kindness, to be raw yet be able to reach out to others in our lives.

Adulting IS hard. But maybe the way to make it easier is to also bring back the non-adult in us. To indulge in some fun and adventure, and bring back some spontaneity. To make friends without seeking anything or much out of them, because constant expectations weigh us down even more. To infuse more play into everything. To enjoy the pursuit of meaning as much as the pursuit of nonsense. As kids show us, it's the little stuff that we enjoy together that binds the big stuff -- like hearts and minds -- together, to weather the storms of time and adulting.