When my now 24 year old niece got her first job two years ago, she would often quip, “Adulting is hard, man!” We would all laugh with her taking in that light moment. But around me I can’t help notice that people ARE in fact struggling so much with life. A friend came over the other day and with his gaze transfixed to the floor, deep in thought, he said, “Life can be so boring. The same routine, wake up, go to work, come back, barely get any time with family, eat, sleep, repeat. It’s lonely, D,” he said.
I opened my eyes, ears, and heart to people around, including to my own self. What was happening to so many of us out there? Disconnected, isolated, lonely, dejected, overwhelmed, guarded, sad, distant people, with an empty, forlorn look in their eyes stared back at me.
Around this time, my closest friend from school sent me something to read titled, “Are we going through a friendship recession?” A survey done on the Americans revealed that there is in fact a friendship recession going on where the presence of close friends is declining and we have fewer people to rely on in times of crisis. The factors leading to this decline ranged from geographic mobility, increased responsibility towards child rearing, the increasing focus on a work centric culture and “workism,” overall breakdown of relationships which lead to separation of friend groups as well. In a country like India, you can add the additional responsibility of caregiving for aging parents to that list.
Has the pandemic added to this disintegration of meaningful connections? Just as I was pondering over this question, I got a new referral. “I want to know if I am an introvert and how I can change that?” As I went on an exploratory journey with this young man, working from home, he revealed that he was a lot more outgoing before the pandemic hit, but had become socially more anxious since he has been working from home since 2020, preferred to isolate himself, and couldn’t seem to voice an opinion when in groups. We explored relationship stresses resulting in mood disturbances which further made him isolate himself, distancing himself from the relationships that brought some comfort and respite.
Humans are wired to be social beings, and it has been known that friendships are crucial for overall well-being, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and here we are, crumbling under external factors and pressures which have not only hindered the maintenance of relationships, but we find ourselves perplexed at how do we even create new ones? The result of this decline is leading to what people identify as loneliness, boredom, sadness, running the same rat race, which further impacts overall health. We may not feel this, or realize the import of, but it’s eroding the fabric of our very selves.
The survey further showed that in 2021, 15% of men reported lacking a close friend versus only 3% in 1990, in a time of crisis 45% of men would have turned to a close friend for help in 1990, versus only 22% of them in 2021. Female friendships saw a different trend where during the pandemic it was reported that more than half of the women lost touch with their friends, implicating that for female friendships, in person physical contact may be more important, whereas for men it could be more technology driven.
The fear is that if this trend continues we would see isolated, atomized, island-like individuals who see life as a continuous struggle, posing challenges at every step, which adds to their level of suffering. The glass will always seem half full, which would further perpetuate sadness and ill-health.
On my birthday almost a month ago, I was soaking in so much love, blessings, and wishes from people in my life. What was most overwhelming, in a good way, were the people who reached out to me, who I would have expected to give up on me, because I had lost contact with them. You see, I am known to be an ostrich who buries her head in the sand when going through a difficult time, and I tune out the world while I work through whatever it is that caused me to derail. People who truly mattered, didn’t give up on me, and love shone through so brilliantly those few days. As I reflected some more, the strong influences of meaningful connections, vulnerability, belongingness, and love came to my mind as I was lifted out of the isolating vortex I had been finding myself in. The pick me up from all the calls and messages was weaving a magical charm.
We search for connection, to belong, to care, to be cared for, to love. Whether we realize it or not, it does seem to be a natural instinct, unless we put strong walls around to self-preserve. Love and belonging are touted to be irreducible needs for all individuals.
Why are we increasingly feeling this unshakeable sense of isolation and loneliness? Why does this feeling of belongingness to others seem so fractured? I realized that we have to belong to ourselves first as much as we need to belong to others, and that itself is suffering these days. How often are we willing to be open and vulnerable to others, where we own our authentic selves and are willing to share it with the world, fearlessly? How often are we content in our heart, spirit, and soul where we choose to look for that sacredness in being a part of something larger than life, or even in standing alone and burning through the fire, only to come out stronger on the other side?
We all have that one friend who never gives up on us, however out of touch we may be over months or even years. We can pick up from where we left, and we can be who we are; we don’t need to fit in, we don’t need to appease, we can just be. The beauty of such friendships is that we can be vulnerable, raw, and open, we can share the most uncomfortable feelings and yet we will feel safe. No facades, no pretences, just a beautiful melding of two hearts that shares the sorrows and doubles the joys. Are these relationships getting buried under the heavy stresses and strains of daily living? At the centre of loneliness we are denying ourselves of meaningful connections such as these; and of emotional intimacy, friendships, family gatherings, and even work connections, making us turn more and more inward, not necessarily in the most healthiest of ways.
The cycle gets perpetuated, of sadness, withdrawal from meaningful connections & activities, and sadness again and we find ourselves feeling like this state is unchanging, it is what it is.
But the antidote is in the problem itself. We have to acknowledge that it is important to actively work on friendships, even for an introvert like me, who is very content with a few close friends. Till the time we don’t set the intention, our actions won’t follow. Because like anything else, relationships require work, and effort and the outcomes are totally worth it. You never know who pulls you out of the slumps with a kind hug, a piece of advice, some humor, a compassionate sounding board, or just with some silly banter. And to be open, and willing to share, to belong to ourselves first, to see ourselves through the lens of compassion and kindness, to be raw yet be able to reach out to others in our lives.
Adulting IS hard. But maybe the way to make it easier is to also bring back the non-adult in us. To indulge in some fun and adventure, and bring back some spontaneity. To make friends without seeking anything or much out of them, because constant expectations weigh us down even more. To infuse more play into everything. To enjoy the pursuit of meaning as much as the pursuit of nonsense. As kids show us, it's the little stuff that we enjoy together that binds the big stuff -- like hearts and minds -- together, to weather the storms of time and adulting.