Sometimes we all need a ray of hope. When we find ourselves scrambling in the dark, unsure of where we are heading, what we will bump into, where we will find ourselves, we may need to hold onto something, to help push through the uncertainty, to help reassure the aching heart that things will eventually be fine, even if right now they seem scary and on an unsure footing.
I seem to have been at the centre of a ring with a bunch of people that have struggled this past year. And as the year closes, the anguish continues for some. At a time when people make resolutions, and are looking to celebrate the new year, there are people who have nothing to look forward to. Where, as the clock strikes 12, they are staring at a vast expanse of nothingness that is looming ahead. Where the mind and heart are trying to put the pieces of their life together, attempting to assuage some of that pain.
Maybe I can attempt to muster words that bring about a sliver of hope. Where I can stand in solidarity and help you find the strength that lies within, however dormant or quiet or even non-existent you may think it to be. Maybe you can feel the words more since they are born of the experiences of so many people I have worked with, and of course my own struggles. After all, experiential learning trounces just a mere understanding of what suffering brings.
So, as the year comes to a close, and to those of us who are feeling sad, hopeless, forlorn, torn, anguished, conflicted, or any other experience that seems to be bringing you down, hold yourself in a tight embrace, and read on. I will try and not repeat the ones I wrote in an earlier blog post on a similar theme, but you know that if some are repeated then they are the must-haves in your life lessons box.
1. What is the reason that makes you step out of bed every day? That reason is your sense of purpose, your North Star that will help you navigate life. Find something to look forward to in your day, that anchors you, and doesn’t let you go adrift.
2. Take charge of your life, commit to goals that are fuelled by that sense of purpose, and walk the pathways to those destinations so that each baby step you take feels like a sense of achievement.
3. Fight procrastination and avoidance. We often numb ourselves emotionally (with social media, gadgets, alcohol, and whatever else serve as effective, temporary distractions) to avoid taking life head on. Fears such as those of failure, rejection, judgment and not being perfect often force people to run away from life’s challenges and responsibilities. Acknowledge that and work on tackling life head on.
4. “I don’t feel like doing XYZ” is most often the reason people give when they withdraw from life-engaging activities. They are unknowingly giving IN to the symptom of depression where their emotions are guiding their actions. Replace “I don’t feel like…” with “Let me commit to doing XYZ today and see how I feel.” Get up, take action, and don’t give in to the nagging mind that only plays games and lulls you into inaction, apathy, and sadness.
5. When you feel stuck in your misery, and can’t seem to find the motivation to wade out of that swamp, ask yourself “Is this working for me?” You will invariably say “No” because that misery may be impacting so many aspects of your life: work, health, relationships, your own personal growth or the lack of it, and that should ring an alarm bell saying “Let’s get help.”
6. Please don’t struggle with things alone. Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or a mental health professional. Seeking mental health services needs to be normalized, for in that journey you may find the best version of you emerge, if all goes well.
7. Letting go is powerful, liberating, and opens up a huge energy field that is lying buried under resentment, angst, sorrow, grief, regrets, guilt, and whatever else is weighing you down.
8. Develop resilience as a skill set. Resilience is the ability to bounce back after adversity strikes. Life will hit you hard, but you have to bounce back harder.
9. Self-care is priority # 1. You live with yourself 24/7, 365 days in a year, and if you don’t prioritize yourself guilt-free, then you won’t be able to deal with life’s challenges effectively either. So, wear your own oxygen mask first, before helping others.
10. Follow a passion, and follow it despite whatever life throws at you. Being engaged in something meaningful will bring some hope that not everything is terrible. For me, that passion is running. And come what may, despite the worst of days, I will get out for that run. It may not be the best run considering the circumstances, but at least it got me out of bed. And also kicked in some endorphins along with it.
11. Don’t get attached to 99% of what the mind churns out when it is anxious or sad. They will mostly be thoughts that will derail you, bring your self-esteem down, divert you to inertia, and cause a huge emotional upheaval that will make you lose functionality. Learn to unhook from those thoughts rather than distract, and again commit to action by asking yourself “What do I need to do to deal with this situation?”
12. Surround yourselves with loved ones, who make you feel safe, who listen to you without judgment and unsolicited advice, and who will always have your back. They are the tribe you want to be a part of.
13. Jassi said something which again made such a huge difference to me. “Some people can’t believe in themselves until someone else believes in them first.” Be that person to someone. You never know how healing that may be to them. If your words and your actions, despite your own struggles can make a difference even to one person, what a wonderful thing that is.
14. Accept that life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. That it will bring you down to your knees, and that you only have to fight back harder. Staying down isn’t an option.
15. Option brings me to this: We always have a choice of how we want to deal with a situation. Always choose the one where you bounce back, where it takes you to a better space internally, where you are at peace eventually. Because the other option will perpetuate the misery. And will that work for you? I would guess not.
16. In a world where you can be anything, be kind. I am sure you have read that somewhere. You never know what struggles the person across from you is going through, what pain hides behind that smile, but a random or an intentional act of kindness can be healing. Our world today needs a lot more healing than ever before.
17. Normalize showing your emotions, those weaknesses, that pain behind that tough façade to someone you trust. It gets tiring to keep holding on to so much. Let go, or get dragged, as someone wisely observed.
18. Heal that inner child that is acting out and making you impulsively react to situations as an adult. Explore that healing, be open-minded, and give yourself that chance to be a healthy individual who is thriving all around.
19. Find your own happiness. But first of all, define what happiness means to you. We often are chasing an elusive concept, thinking it is the same for everyone. But it is highly personalized, and very specific. It is not just a feeling, but taking action in several ways, in different parts of your life, that culminate into happiness.
20. Stop comparing yourself to others who are better of than you. It will only make you feel worse about yourself. Everyone’s life situations, resources, coping mechanisms, support systems, abilities, aptitude, habits are different. Comparing only one dimension such as success, or happiness, or beauty or health, or anything else you can think of, is doing yourself a huge disservice.
21. Simplify life. I could write a whole thesis on this.
22. What do you do to destress on a daily basis? If you don’t have an answer to this, NOW is the time to dig deep and get a system in place before you burn out. Self-care, remember?
23. Difficult life situations may make us skeptical, cynical, or angry. What fault is it of a life that is constantly evolving and revealing itself? Channelize your emotions as you work through challenges, so that you are centred and in the space to constantly roll with the punches.
24. Practice the philosophy behind the art of kintsugi, where the Japanese fix broken pottery by using gold to bring the shattered pieces together. It teaches us about the fragility of life, of building damaged parts together by focusing on strength and resilience, and also opening ourselves to an imperfect life. Ultimately, what is re-created turns out to be even more valuable than before.
25. Hold yourself in a self-compassionate hug, be kind to yourselves, and cut yourself a little bit of slack from the pressures and steam of everyday living. One can’t possibly have everything under control, or aim to be perfect (which itself is an illusion), all at one time. It’s OK to slip up as long as it doesn’t have life-threatening consequences, to put things on the back burner, to not make it through your to-do list despite your best efforts. Come back up and re-evaluate what went wrong and where you can course correct.
26. Give yourself the space and time to grieve, cry, air out your emotions, but again, come back up and ground and centre yourself soon after. Restricting or withholding emotions will only fester within and will sooner or later make you implode. Every emotion has an important role to play in our lives, and must be given its due.
27. Here’s an activity for you:
“You are 85 years old looking back on your life today…Complete these three sentences:
a. I spent too much time worrying about…
b. I did not spend enough time doing things such as…
c. If I could go back in time, what I’d do differently is…
Does this make you reflect on your life and motivate you to take charge before more years slip away in inaction and not living an authentic, meaningful life? I hope it does. 😊
28. Don’t let your emotions decide the course of your life or your actions. Work on settling that emotional storm, because that’s when you see things more clearly and rationally.
29. Persist, in whatever it is you choose to do. Persist in overcoming your struggles, do the hard work, burn, falter, cry, scream, but persist towards healing. It may not be a pretty sight, but when you emerge, you will be like that diamond that emerged from a piece of coal.
30. “Where there is life, there is hope.” Truer words were never spoken. If anything, give this thought your attention, because what you focus on expands.
I would like you to focus on hope, on giving life a chance, on giving yourself a chance to come back stronger, a better version of you, of making your dreams come true, of rebuilding yourself after falling down from the aftermath of a few broken dreams. You never know what else life has in store for you, and I would like to believe that along with the pain there will be joy; along with the ugliness, there will be beauty; along with a fallibility, there will be strength; and along with the darkness there will be light. Always.