She came onto the screen, smiling, back with her usual chirpy voice. Her eyes had a twinkle that is hard to miss. Except last week when her tears streamed down for most of the time we were in session. And the reason, as I have seen in many other distressed individuals I work with, is that of being self-critical, self-flagellating, bringing themselves down with stories of “I’m not good enough,” “I am a loser,” “I am immature,” “I am dumb” which emerge as thoughts, images, and feelings. which end up jostling people around, like a small boat caught in a huge storm. Samaira (name changed) was on that boat this time, anxious, sad, unmoored and unanchored.
We again spoke about the need for self-compassion, and how our minds are hard wired to catch what’s “wrong,” and scan the self and the environment for what danger lies ahead. “What did I mess up with this time?” “Is my relationship with that friend affected because I said something that could have hurt her?” “Must be my fault. “I am to blame.” “I can’t even do one thing right.” You get the drift.
I want therapy for clients to be something that they look forward to, and maybe sprinkle in a bit of humor and fun depending on how they are feeling in the here and now. I often like to get to know them in depth, not just in terms of what causes them anguish, but mostly on what makes them thrive. What do they enjoy doing every day? What is something they find fun, that engages them and not merely distracts them, and brings joy, contentment, and meaning to their life? What are their aspirations, their vision for themselves? What is their heart’s deepest desire? The kind of person they want to be, especially as they stand in the face of challenges?
In psychotherapy, I work with clients in helping them become better observers of their thoughts and feelings that cause them psychological suffering, portrayed as deep sadness, crippling anxiety, or manifested as any other stress that they experience. This is an initial step. It often helps to see those thoughts from a distance and see how they could be responded to which is enabling rather than disabling. One such technique of “unhooking” is calling out those self-critical thoughts before they take us down a cascading spiral of further debilitating thoughts, feelings, and overall “stuckness.” Some of these techniques are creative and zany, and we have quite a fun time in sessions with this.
To facilitate this for Samaira I asked whether she had any creative pursuits and she said she sketched off and on. I asked her to do the “writing thoughts in a thought bubble” exercise, where she was asked to draw 2-3 distressing thoughts on the top of a large piece of paper, and below them a stick figure, or a cartoon character, or her own self. I asked her to then draw a thought bubble around those words, as they were coming out of the head of the stick figure or the character that she had drawn, like the ones we see in comic strips. And then I asked her to look at it, and see if it made any difference to the way she related to those thoughts. I gave other suggestions, but asked her to play around, be creative, and have some fun. Our work is collaborative and she needed to be on on-board.
As I saw her beaming face in the session and she said she was feeling great, I asked her to tell me what led to her progress and if there were any obstacles in the way that we needed to work through before continuing with our session agenda.
She picked up her sketch pad and showed me what she had drawn. Samaira’s self-critical reproach to herself included beating herself down for how she looked when she saw herself in the mirror.
Self compassion through art.
“I was going to follow your instructions with the thought bubble exercise but then I loved how I had drawn myself and how I looked on paper, so instead I wrote all these things that I DO need to tell myself.”
“I am loved.”
“This too shall pass.”
“I am taking care of myself.”
I smiled, and gave her a big virtual high five. I usually don’t coach people by giving them affirmations from a list that I have, but have them come up with their own which sets the intention for how their actions would then follow based on what they truly believe in about their internal workings.
The Self Care Iceberg
Samaira believed in and resonated with the ones she had written in her reflection for this week. And I know she was committing to doing the things that were important to her, based on how she really aspired to be, on the exploration of her heart’s deepest desires. She was focusing on being assertive, self-compassionate, engaging in self-care, relating better to herself, wanting to be self-efficacious , and resilient. It was all coming together beautifully.
In the earlier session, she had asked me what self-care truly means, and I shared this image with her and we had a chat around it. It made our work go so much deeper when she took on the true meaning of what it takes to protect boundaries, to honor and nurture oneself rather than worrying what the world will think, to stand up to bullies, to leave a toxic environment knowing it would put her in a chaotic, uncertain time during the pandemic, but knowing more that she owed herself to live from a space of authenticity and integrity. The distress was worth it because she was truly finding herself.
These are the moments when I sit back and watch the metamorphosis from a caterpillar to a butterfly, when people learn to surf the tide, after falling into the rapids a few times, and coming back up, when tears turn to smiles, when those same tears are seen as a sign of strength and openness, an expression of freedom, of owning one’s vulnerability and looking at courage in the eye despite the challenges, despite the mind traps, despite the bruised knees.
Moving onwards and upwards, that’s what we do.
(*Permission was taken from Samaira to share her art work and to tell her story. All identifying details have been kept confidential)