“I really want our relationship to thrive but he’s so laidback. Can you change his personality?”
I’m so tempted to say I looked at my couples therapy coaching manual and Chapter 4 has all the details on how to change someone’s personality, but the truth is couples therapy is not some magic trick and neither am I a miracle worker. Most people I have come across have very little information and knowledge on how couples therapy works, and so I decided to write a primer on it here, based on my own clinical experiences.
Couples therapy is a big part of my clinical practice as a psychotherapist and coach. Couples who come to therapy want to make their relationship thrive, to be able to communicate and resolve conflicts better, to overcome the aftermath of a trauma such as domestic violence, betrayals & infidelity. Some report falling out of love and not knowing what to do, some talk about just having drifted apart, the friendship being lost and having developed irreparable cracks.
The need is real as is the problem.
All of these couples are in distress undoubtedly and are looking for resolutions. And their distress shows up in several ways as they sit across from me: Anger, tears, silence, disengagement, contempt, criticism, defensiveness, “I” vs. “You”, and hence, most despairingly, the need to engage in constant power struggles and one upmanship. They feel often tired and hopeless because they may have been to several therapists before and not found the salve and the treatment they were looking for.
“We went once or twice for therapy before and didn’t really find it beneficial,” said this couple as they came to see me.
“It’s too slow a process,” said another. “We didn’t feel any change after 2-3 sessions.”
I hear them out and ask them what were their perceptions of & expectations from therapy. And truth be told, not many know how couples therapy works. Which is why so many misperceptions abound about it. There is of course no one way of doing therapy with couples. It depends on the therapist’s training, the methods they use, and their overall approach towards what it takes to make couples rebuild their relationship from where it got damaged.
I have picked up the top 10 common misperceptions people have of couples therapy and my take on how to tackle them so therapy can actually be effective.
Here you go:
Myth # 1: The therapist sits like a judge/referee/principal and reprimands one partner and/or praise another; gives a judgment on who is right in an argument or whose position is the one to uphold.
Reality: As a couples therapist, I look for how the relationship is between two people, the strengths and challenges that co-exist in the relationship, without singling out a partner along with their misdeeds as presented by the other. The point of reference is the relationship and hence the focus is mostly on the dyadic interaction between the couple. As the therapist, I am a facilitator who observes, imparts skills and provides blueprints in three major domains of a relationship (based on the needs, of course): (1) Communication and conflict management; (2) Enhancing friendship, fondness, and positive affect; (3) Facilitating sharing of meaningful life goals, dreams, and aspirations. It is the couple who talks to each other in session, while learning new skills of looking at conflicts, deepening their understanding of each other, communicating better without contempt, derision, criticism, defensiveness, and disengagement, and if significant trauma has rocked the relationship, then working their way through in re-establishing safety and trust.
Myth # 2: There is a magic wand that will make their problems disappear without having them do much work. The therapist will talk to them and show them the way, and voila! everything will be fine. Therapy should start showing results within the first 1-2 sessions.
Reality: Imagine you went to the physician with symptoms of dizziness, and at the end of the 20 minute consultation, with no diagnostics such as scans done, they suggest a brain surgery, would you go for it? My guess is no. Because of course, there was no assessment done to see where the problem lies. I allocate the first three sessions usually just for the assessment of the relationship using conjoint interviews, individual interviews, and more recently a new set of standardized assessments, all of which bring out the strengths and challenges of the relationship in the three significant areas I mentioned in point #1. When you work with psychological aspects and that too of a tenuous relationship, you cannot dive into intervention without knowing the couple in depth. The intervention starts after, based on the plan that is elicited from the interviews and the assessments. A couple can feel a slight bit of relief after the first session, if they developed a good working relationship with the therapist, and feel heard, trusted, safe, and hopeful. But the interventions to actually build on the relationship start after a thorough assessment, in my practice at least.
Myth # 3 : The therapist will “change” the personality traits or temperament of either/both partners. “She’s so lacklustre, please change her personality,” “He’s so aggressive, you have GOT to change him.” Meanwhile, the couple sits back and expects me to work on the partner as if I’m giving them a mani/pedi. (You probably didn’t expect that analogy from me, did you? :) )
Reality: I will keep reiterating this, an effective therapist will work on the “relationship” and not single out one person, even if his or her behavior is the cause of distress. I would rather say “Looks like your conversations over a conflict start with a harsh start up, with swear words, hitting below the belt, and even more contempt. How about we learn to use a gentle start up and see how the conversation goes?” The responsibility of the therapy is with the couple as a unit, and of course where individual issues present (such as a mood or anxiety disorder with either/both partner(s), feeling uncomfortable with expressing emotions which leads to misunderstandings and frustrations, domestic violence & PTSD), they will be discussed in conjoint sessions and the relevant intervention may be taken to individual sessions. There is openness, transparency, trust, and even if distress is present while the couple works through issues, there is an inherent faith in the process. If that dwindles, that is also addressed in therapy.
Myth # 4 : Conflicts and triggers will go away with therapy. A couple even asked me for a “conflict-free” relationship and I said I would not like to disappoint them with not being able to meet that request. Not because I didn’t want to, but because it’s just not possible to have a conflict-free relationship.
Reality: Conflicts are an inherent part of any relationship, leave alone in a couple. But here’s a whopping statistic: More than 2/3rds of conflicts are “perpetual” problems, which means they never go away or get resolved. Some of these gridlocked conflicts are differences in personalities, feelings towards in-laws, how we spend money, how we want to raise our kids, and differences in individual needs. A couple can usually remain gridlocked, expecting one person to compromise or submit, which often leaves them both in a state of a painful impasse, or they can learn to communicate better and understand each other’s existential points of view on the subject and focus on addressing it based on mutual dialogue, understanding, and a workable solution rather than solely trying to change the other’s view on it.
Myth # 5: There is only one reality in a conflict situation and it belongs to obviously only one partner of the two. In other words, it’s “my way or the highway.”
Reality: In the face of an incident that causes significant damage, has been laced with regret and remorse, and yet continues to remain unresolved, it is important to point out that there are always two valid subjective realities, and both appear to be right in their own way. What’s then left is to move through the situation and resolve the gridlocked position through better understanding and management. The process of working through fights such as these involves listening with empathy to each other, validating their point of view and seeing how their partner’s reality stood out, identifying triggers, and diving into them to understand where they are coming from (past trauma, dynamics of the family of origin?), and taking charge and action to come up with constructive plans so they do better next time. And to commit to it and not forget.
Myth # 6: Therapy sessions are freestyle fights and the therapist is the referee. The therapist listens on how the week went, allows the couple to express their anger and hurt, witnesses the couple attack each other, and tries to resolve the conflict situation. I often imagine couples looking at me and saying, “Milord, here is the proof of my partner’s misconduct. Please speak your sentence.” This is how most ineffective therapy sessions tend to be, because each partner is standing his/her ground, is engaging in a power struggle, is seeing things as “my” right vs. “your” wrong, “you” need to change, and yet they still want to make things better. Yes, I know, similar to Myth # 1 but who said reinforcement hurts?
Reality: This is the type of situation in which I teach couples how their aims and intent of therapy appear to be mismatched with their effort and behaviors. And how to course correct in case additional resistances are seen. At the risk of sounding redundant, it helps to restate the same point, at the outset of each session, that the needs of the couple are kept at the forefront. If conflict management is the biggest challenge which is affecting the basic foundation of their friendship and leading to emotional disconnect and distance, then that is the area where skills are imparted first. There is an organic deepening of the relationship as they learn to communicate better but again, one must work through with having the couple know each other’s internal worlds, build emotional connect through rituals of togetherness, address trauma, and work on a vision of their lives together where they both understand and support each partner’s life goals and aspirations.
Myth # 7: Reflections, readings, and “homework assignments” in between sessions are OK to be missed. Because “there’s never enough time,” (or other such excuses) are often presented as a resistance to therapy. For such couples, it’s also unfortunately OK to just attend 60 minutes of a therapy session, speak their heart out, prove their point, and go back into the loneliness, emotionally disengaged, conflicted, spaced out lives without gaining new insights, or learning new skills that would help with gridlocked problems.
Reality: Unfortunately, in scenarios like these the blame comes on the therapist that they were unhelpful and that therapy wasn’t working, despite the therapist knowing that he/she gave their best. At a recent training session where we were sharing our experiences as couple therapists, the trainer asked the audience, “At the end of the day, how many of you feel like quitting as a couples therapist or wished you had an alternative career?” The show of hands wasn’t surprising. We give our minds, our energies to be empathetic, to impart skills, to be there for the couple; we receive wrath and misplaced anger, and yet show compassion, even though a lot of it goes unnoticed, but we don’t raise that as an issue. Our job is to persist, till even we realize that the couple is presenting with different agendas in therapy, and it feels like breaking your head against a wall. There comes a time, when even that is addressed by me as my honest admission in therapy. That it seems that it is just my agenda to address the gridlocks and that they want to persist in them because they feel the other one needs to submit. My voice often gets lost in their screaming at each other, drowning out any efforts to help resurrect the relationship. Soon, the writing is on the wall.
Myth # 8: The pain and suffering of a trauma experienced in a relationship will never go away. Re-establishing trust may not be possible.
Reality: The wife sobbed inconsolably when the hurt she experienced was causing her significant panic attacks and she said, “I will have to live with this pain and suffering. It will never go away.” I have seen couples emerge from strong setbacks because they have somewhere had the faith in their relationship, even if it may have been dwindling in the present moment. This can happen because of a commitment that they can rebuild and reconnect in needed ways which would bring both of them joy and contentment, and not because it was “expected” of them to stay together. It takes immense courage and strength to work through trauma, especially when one partner has caused it to the other. But when the resentment, anger, hurt, regret, guilt, or anything else that is impeding the relationship is worked through, healing happens. It depends on what the couple is truly looking for and for both of them to work towards it.
Myth # 9: To be compatible, a couple needs to have similar likes and dislikes, preferences, temperaments, hobbies, and whatever else is important to be deemed “must be similar to be successful.”
Reality: “Opposites attract,” “We’re like two peas in a pod,” “we complete each other,” “We’re yin and yang.” These are all correct. A relationship is formed when two people come together, and decide to make something of it. And there is such beauty in seeing people make meaningful relationships, despite the differences, because they truly believe in the alchemy that coming together as a couple brings.
Myth # 10: Therapy suggestions and skills taught seem “unlike me/feels like I am pretending/put on and hence “won’t work.”
Reality: We are hard wired to react in set, impulsive ways if our conflicts have been deep-rooted and perpetual. We get used to the space, distance, and coldness that sets in when we are far removed from each other. When I ask a couple if they know their partner’s dreams and ambitions, they look at me perplexed, often saying but what’s the need! We take each other for granted, we get caught up in the everyday lives of work, taking care of home, and parenting if we have kids. Who has time for all these conversations? But more than time, do we want to make those changes in our regular patterns of being? Any new behavior will be a skill to learn and it will feel unfamiliar at first, “pretentious,” “not me,” but if the “you” was working initially, I tell the couple, you wouldn’t be sitting across from me in therapy. So yes, we learn, we love, we live. On replay :)
Why am I giving you this behind-the-scenes workings of how couples therapy works?
I have to admit, being a psychotherapist isn’t an easy job. And being a couples therapist is even more challenging. We learn from each couple as we go along, we stumble, we fall, and we pick ourselves again, because after all, it is the human mind and heart we are working with, which is replete with fickleness and unpredictability and refuses to be buoyed down at times. I don’t think our clients, the couples we work with ever see our struggles completely, because they are caught up in their own psychological suffering. And yet, we have to do everything in our might to keep ourselves together, to stay present with them, to show compassion and empathy when it may be the most difficult for us too along with them.
Some drop out of therapy prematurely, and unfortunately choose to live unhappy lives in an impasse, wishing for their problems to go away. Their reasons could range from the stigma attached to being divorced, to wanting to stay together for the kids’ sake, the fear of what lies ahead, to their own personal reasons. And some part ways, amicably, wanting to lead better lives, wanting to give better lives to their children as single parents than raise them in an abusive family. And some work hard on their relationships, rebuilding and repairing from the foundation up, because they truly believe they have something worthwhile between the two of them.
At the start of each session, I think how much rides on me as a therapist, how they have trusted me to help them through their difficult times. But then there comes a time when you would like to bring more clarity, and a better understanding of the psychotherapy process to my clients, so that they can align their expectations, work towards building a team with me, work towards addressing their relationship as “Us/Ours/We” vs. “You/Me,” and work towards truly addressing their lives to be meaningful, rich, and with a purpose. This blog post is an attempt to do just that.
To go back to what I started with, I really want our relationship to thrive. In this case, the “our relationship” refers to the one between the couple and me :)