I’ve often shared my journey of life through my writings. Well aware of the fact that it is in the public domain, I will have potential clients who would read about my psychotherapeutic clinical approach, and also my ability to be resilient, my strengths and the lens with which I view the world. And they will also get a glimpse of my vulnerabilities, my grief, the pain and anguish I have gone through, only to rise yet again. I am proud of my battle scars. And if I wouldn’t have had them, my perspective on life may not have been this rich, this deep, or this expansive. I feel it makes me more empathetic, more compassionate, and more connected to the people I work with. And in case I experience any obstacle in establishing an effective therapeutic relationship with a client, I attempt to resolve those as well. People should know who they are trusting their inner lives with, and choose whether they want to work with me or not.
And so, I thought I would share some glimpses of the journey of inner child healing that I delved into, a concept that therapists may touch upon briefly when they work with someone but when I went into it in depth, it opened up a whole new world that was waiting to be discovered.
Have you, as an adult, ever wondered when you react to situations impulsively? Why we fear rejection, or abandonment, or why we react to certain people as if they remind us of someone from our past? Why am I so clingy, so quick to tears, so sensitive to criticism or the slightest feedback which may be constructive even? Why do I feel less than others when I have everything in life that should make me happy? Why do I react with so much anger and irritability to people who remind me of my mother/father who I had a dysfunctional relationship with? Why do I blame everyone on the outside for my misery? Why do I clam up and shut down when I am faced with a specific situation that I always find overwhelming? Why do thoughts of “I am not good enough?” “I am not worthy enough?” keep popping up and making me doubt myself all the more? The list of such reactions can be endless but you get the drift.
You may be a high functioning adult who is working and is successful, has a family, friends, and is able to cope with most of life’s stressors. But some situations may be sticky, where you react impulsively, which others or you even may think, “This was so childish of me,” and you are perplexed or you find it difficult to understand what makes you react that way, and the cycle perpetuates. Only to flare up again, and again, and again, leaving you more confused, frustrated at times, and even people around you wonder, “what the hell gets into you every time?”
When we are children we develop ways in which we interpret our worlds and the people in them. Our first socializing agents often are our parents and siblings, and then of course teachers and friends. We have rudimentary needs, for safety, belongingness, comfort, love, food, clothing, shelter, appreciation, and we are figuring out ways in which those needs get met, and when they don’t get met, or we undergo a significant trauma in our family of origin, we react in ways which we as children know best. We don’t have the psychological resources to often cope very functionally as we now know, so those reactions could look like shutting down or withdrawing emotionally, blaming, being super quiet, crying, becoming anxious and tense, changing ourselves to please others, being clingy, brooding, being moody, acting out, giving too much or too little of ourselves to safeguard ourselves, manipulating others, giving our power away, lying, playing victim for attention, feeling inferior, feeling unworthy, suppressing emotions which end up showing up as anxiety or depression, and so much more.
Think back to some of these tools you may be using even now as an adult, and reflect on when you started using it first. Did it show up in your years till you turned 20-21? If yes, then your wounded part is still showing up all these years later, waiting to be acknowledged and heard, and eventually healed.
I always thought (outside of donning my psychologist’s hat), “This is how I am, and can’t really change now.” A part of me would wonder why I was like this? We attribute our behaviors to our “personalities,” but then I am talking about behaviors, covert and overt thoughts, feelings, which translate into how we are interacting with our world when under stress or in reaction to triggering situations.
For instance, I would shut down, withdraw, and then bury my head under the sand and hide when I was overwhelmed or distressed. I thought I was doing it to process what I was going through, that it was an attribute of me being resilient, and in a way it was. I would take a few days to find my emotional balance, and then be able to work through the situations. Sometimes it would take weeks, and I realized in the last three years it went into months, after my mother’s passing. And then I realized it was costing me my relationships with friends and even in my relationship with myself. I was growing more disconnected with my own authentic self, and would focus on taking care of others, getting into fixing mode. I didn’t like reacting this way but I didn’t know how to go about changing my patterns. Or why I was this way. Till I decided to dig deep, and what a storehouse of knowledge and realizations emerged, as I went about tracing the history and antecedents of some beliefs, behaviors and reactions.
Inner child work is a bid to reconnect with that unhealed, wounded part of us that remained frozen and suppressed, but kept resurfacing and showing up as dramatic reactions to similar situations that once hurt us, which we may not be aware of, till we shine a torch within, and see what exactly is brewing there.
Think of it this way: we have an argument or a fight with a loved one, which causes us deep anguish. And we reach out to them to talk, resolve, and reach a deeper understanding of how to interact in triggering situations. When we have meaningful, deep conversations, coming from a space of love and healing, there is an easing of the pain, and connecting in a plane that neither of us previously experienced.
The rejoining and forming a heartfelt connection with the lost inner child involves a discovery, a voice within that we never gave ourselves an opportunity to hear before, and which holds the key to the chest that has our unhealed emotional pain. It’s when we get into deep insight oriented inquiry, and get some answers, do we notice a softening and a revelation of our core wounding, that shows up in insidious ways as an adult. There is so much wisdom and healing within us, but we keep seeking comfort and answers outside. And no individual can provide those answers, as much as our own compassionate self-inquiry often supported by facilitation or guidance, patient listening, finding our own answers, realignment of our beliefs, letting go of assumptions, and forgiveness of self and others can.
What did this journey do to me, you may wonder. I started using more functional coping systems such as clear, authentic communication, expressing feelings and needs fearlessly, establishing more effective boundaries with people and ensuring I didn’t get affected by the resistance or the non-compliance with it. There was more self-compassion, centering and grounding myself when emotionally distressed, and reconnecting with loved ones; I let go of self-flagellating beliefs I held onto, and trusted and acted on what my authentic self wanted, rather than what would make me better liked, or not be judged by. It was liberating, to finally not live in pain and anxiety at a personal level; to live freely and authentically. I started living in the here and now more, started savoring the daily moments more, that had gotten buried under the emotional baggage I was carrying. I prioritized my self-care and stayed with it, I didn’t just focus on fixing people but being with them too, the way they would have liked me to be. And I am still discovering the joy that the healing is continuing to bring as a ripple effect. It trickles down to work and relationships as well, often transforming codependent ones to healthier, wholesome ones.
Some obvious resistances that may come up to inner child work is the fear of the muck that may rise to the surface and finding ourselves unable to cope, and several other reasons that are beyond the scope of this post. But if we can learn to trust the process and not fall prey to our fears, if we can make space for all the thoughts, feelings, and reactions that rise, to focus on authentic healing rather than suppressing, avoiding, and running away from what influenced us when we were a child, we will truly experience meaningful happiness, resilience and freedom. We will not be buffeted under the weight of our own demons when we have healed inside out. Because when we close the loop, we truly, genuinely open up new possibilities that can uplift us to a new plane. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful place to find ourselves in?