Lessons Life Taught Me This Year

It’s the turn of the decade, and not just the year; and whether we summon the memories of the past year wilfully or otherwise, some reminiscences do tend to pay a visit, even if fleetingly.

Time, after all, is a winding road that goes through and around all of us. Going back in time, JK Rowling taught us in the Harry Potter books, is one of the most powerful—and risky—pieces of magic possible. It allows us to see where we have come from, but tampering with it is dangerous. We can, for our own good, learn from reflection and see how our past can inform our future. That is the Time-Turner that is available to all of us as we turn past this end-of-the-year-and-decade corner in time. It is both a mirror and a crystal-ball.

New resolutions are made or old ones brought back with renewed vigor, with a determination to succeed in the coming year. It’s also the time of expressing gratitude, of letting go of past resentments, hurt, and anger, and of believing in the power of forgiveness.

Relationships that were once meaningful gathered the dust of time, distance, silence, and darkness, waiting to see the light of day, waiting to see if the lonely hearts would start beating again for each other. And those relationships that gnawed at our soul, caused irreparable anguish and distress were surrendered, forever.

After all, the epiphany strikes, in letting go lies our own inherent freedom.

Leaps of faith are made, not knowing whether we will find a sure footing, or if we will find ourselves spiraling down a dark abyss, or whether the landing will be smooth. But we take them nevertheless.

I like how life lessons emerge on the way. How when the path seems uncertain, you pave your own, with your desired summits on the horizon all the time.

---*---

As I reflected on the months gone by, I decided to focus more on what I learnt from one of the most difficult years of my life. This is the second time in a row I am talking about gratitude, because I find it to be such a powerful concept. There is always a positive side to even the toughest moment, a silver lining even to the darkest cloud. It helps to reframe travesties and see them in a new light. They often tell you that you are made of solid stuff, to have emerged bruised but stronger. They tell you that you have the choice to get up after the fall, brush the dust off, believe in yourself, and walk with your head held high. At the end of the day, we always a have a choice, whether to remain mired in the depths of despair or to soar.

I know what I choose. I would rather focus on being that caterpillar who is struggling in its own gooey mess before it metamorphoses into a butterfly and takes wing.

---*---

I like numbers. I wanted to run a full marathon (42.2K) before I turned 40 and I did. And now, as I turn four decades and a half old, I decided that it would be nice to conjure up 45 lessons that I learnt this year to ring in 2020. I would love to see this as a memory I can turn to down the years when I want to see some moments that I have witnessed in my lifetime.

Here is my list.

1. Remember, the darkest night does end, and the sun does rise. Remember that when you feel your struggles are never ending. Nature is a great teacher.   

2. Take one baby step, when unsure of what lies ahead. And another, and another. And before you know it you would be sprinting along.

3. Live every moment like it’s your last. (Corollary: Also live every moment like it’s your first!

4. I’ve said this before: Friends matter. And the true ones stick by your side, come what may.

5. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

6. Create your own peace of mind.

7. Let your faith in yourself be bigger than your fears.

8. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up. There are people who may benefit from your being there.

9. Believe in magic…and miracles. In nature, in people, in yourself.

10. Only you are in charge of your happiness. Script it for yourself, and make sure it’s one fantastic story.

11. Solitude is healing. Spend some time with yourself every day, in silence.

12. What really matters is how much you loved, and lived, every moment.

13. Commit random acts of kindness. You never know whose day you bring cheer to.

14. Express gratitude daily. It trains the mind to focus on the positive aspects of life than what we don’t have.

15. Life is chaotic, unpredictable, and often a beautiful mess. But choose Life…always.

16. Spend time with the ones you love.

17.  Take a deep breath. It calms the mind and the body.

18. Be of service to others, if you ever get an opportunity. It’s healing when you step out of your own misery, call upon your courage, and be there for someone else.

19. Time may not necessarily heal. How you process your emotions is what helps the most. Yet, give Time time :)

20. A hot chocolate is one of the best antidotes to a long, tiring day.

21. I do believe everything happens for the best. Even in the most difficult situations if I summon this belief, it shows me that I had strength, fortitude, patience, and grit to tide through tough times even when they brought me to my knees.

22. There will be times when memories are all we will have left with us. Make sure you create many happy, meaningful memories.

23. “I am there for you,” are some of the most beautiful words said. And being truly present for someone, is the best gift of love and compassion.

24. Self-care and especially self-love is priority #1.

25. The sight of a dog’s wagging tail…

26. Life is so much more happier if we focus on what we have rather than on what we don’t have.

27. “What can I do to deal with this situation?” is an important tool in your stress management kit.

28. Mom will forever be my first love. Her wisdom continues to guide me every single day. And that’s the biggest gift after her passing.

29. Hugs heal.

30. Surrender.

31. “Always”…an expression of unconditional, selfless love. #Potterhead

32. Live your life authentically. We waste too much time hiding behind facades and pretences.

33. Go out on a date with yourself. For a movie, a meal, or a coffee. It is one of the most liberating experiences.

34. Find your ikigai, your reason to live, what brings purpose and meaning to your life.

35. Overthinking ruins relationships. Overflow with love and good vibes instead.

36. I kept looking for that light at the end of the tunnel. And then I lit the damn thing myself!

37. Never do anything in a fit of anger. Like getting hair cut short or straightened 😉 You don’t want to regret it later.

38. Get out of your comfort zone. Then you can imagine things you never imagined. And you do things that you might have thought beyond you until then. So go ahead, push your limits. I've had the opportunity to do so in multiple ways this year.

39. “The most important and beautiful gift one human being can give to another is, in some way, to make life a little better to live.”

40. See the glass half full. See opportunities. See growth. See potential.

41. I repeat: Be your own best friend. Everyone else is mostly busy doing their own thing.

42. Whenever you freak out over a self-proclaimed disaster, ask yourself if this will really matter in five years from now. Is it really worth my time? Is it really of any significance in the larger scheme of things?

43. Say “I love you” unabashedly.

44. Love heals.

45. Commit to living a life you truly cherish, treasure, and value. And if it is in service to others, it is a life well lived.

But in the end, the lesson that stays with me at all times (including or regardless of when I use the 45 above) is this: always go with the flow. Always!

What's Your Ikigai?

My life changed irrevocably on December 26th 2018 when my mother passed away.

As a psychologist I knew what would follow would be an expected journey of loss, grief, and intense bereavement. But that didn’t mean I knew when the tide would turn and when I would begin to feel better. I didn’t wait.

I went back to work on the fifth day after her passing.

But something kept gnawing at me inside and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I came to that point in my own life that I have seen many times from across the table with my clients.

I started questioning the purpose of life and how I was living it. There was a decision I had been pushing away for 5-6 years now. I finally brought it to the fore and acted on it.

Which means I resigned from my job, much against well-meaning advice – that losing a parent and giving up a job are placed in the top list of stressors. And yet, there I was, diving into the unknown.

What had rocked the boat for me? I LOVED my job, I think I am good at it (from what people have told me). Everything was looking up for me on the job: in terms of recognition, the reach I had, and the kind of work I was doing. So I knew it wasn’t a knee jerk reaction because the decision had been simmering within for a while.

But I guess a jolt like the one I’d received is what made me take a good look at myself. With Mom’s passing, and having been by her side through these years, I questioned everything; and I felt rudderless, directionless, as if life had lost its essence, even if I knew it was temporary.

Am I living authentically? Am I living a life with meaning and purpose? Am I chasing the elusive concept called happiness? What does happiness even mean?

It’s in our nature to search for meaning and purpose especially in the middle of life’s chaos, and I too set about doing that. On that journey of self-discovery, I chanced upon Ikigai, which means our “reason for being.”

Ikigai, I found, balances the spiritual with the practical aspects.

There are four components: what you love, what you are good at, what the world needs, and what the world is willing to pay you for. And at the intersection, where all four meet, is your ikigai, your raison de’tre, your reason to jump out of bed every day. It’s about finding meaning, purpose, joy, fulfillment, satisfaction, and balance in the daily routine of life.

I was experiencing an existential vacuum – the perfect state to go in search of ikigai, I guess. I wasn’t eating and sleeping well, running (my main stress buster) had left me to my own devices, and I was just miserable within. It took monumental effort to be there for others, helping them wade through life as well.

What was wrong?

I’d lost the most precious thing in my life. What more could I lose? I don’t know, but maybe that’s where that fearlessness had come in from, where the need to step out of the comfort zone, to not play safe anymore reared itself.

Therein started the dissection of my life.

My passions and first loves were my family and my work as a psychologist. I also wanted to earn well to meet my needs, be financially independent, travel and have a lifestyle that I enjoyed (which only translates to travel, travel, and more travel 😉)

My frustration, it seemed, was arising from conflicting wants. Of wanting to live a life of meaning and service to others in need, including family, being there for them whenever they needed me, but also catering to the whims of a well-paying, secure job, albeit one where my absence from work to be there for family was starting to be seen as an inconvenience.

Was I focusing on money as the main outcome and was unhappy as a result? What about the things I truly cared about which I have always prioritized but were now being questioned because it came in the way of my “job?” Like taking care of my parents (and my aging dog), spending time with them, being their daughter in every possible way. And of also being there for people as a psychologist in my own time and space.

I loved what I did, I was good at it, the world needed me, but I didn’t need a job to pay me if I chose to go out on my own. That last thing there, that was the missing piece earlier. I didn’t need a job to pay me if I chose to go out on my own.

I would be my own boss and could structure my life to fit in all that was important to me, including being there for my own self, on my own terms.

I had always maintained that you can’t box life into categories: Job, family, passions, self, others. They aren’t unrelated or aren’t distinct from each other if you have to experience synchronization. Nothing is siloed, and everything is linked.

That one decision helped things fall into place.

I found it possible to still be passionate about my work, and actually do better at it because I had found my centre of gravity and was happier as a result. I could choose what all I wanted to do, on my own time. I could live a life of meaning and purpose by being there for my Dad when he needs family around the most, come home early to the sight of the wagging tail of my dog at the end to a productive day at work, and not when the clock chimes 5:30. And be there for myself, the self that I had lost in chasing things that neither brought joy nor meaning.

That day, I knew I had a different story to tell. I could edit, change, modify the script of my life as I pleased keeping in mind that I could hold close what was important, discard the irrelevant, and make space for what I wanted to do with my time as well.

At the intersection of all this, I found my ikigai and along with it peace, happiness, meaning, purpose, a little less of something else, but a lot more of what mattered.

What helped attain it were keeping true to my passion and purpose and finding a medium to express it;  do and be, rather than think and overthink; seek support from friends and family who know you inside out; and accept that setbacks are normal, that the cards may not stack up perfectly, things may not go as planned, and that you are chasing your purpose for the right reasons. And if life throws you a curveball even after all that, c’est la vie.

What, after all, is life if there is no heartbreak, no adventure, and nothing which tests your true grit and spirit? Indeed, it is in these circumstances that your ikigai holds you aloft, keeps you afloat, and takes you to new horizons.

So, what’s your ikigai?