What Can I Do For You?

I opened the card she gave me for my birthday and her words touched my heart:

“Dear Dr. D,
I know that it’s been a very tough year for you. Yet you’re here for me when I don’t want to be there for myself, you embrace me with support and strength when I have no resilience and motivation of my own, and your companionship helps me feel meaning and reconnect with life when I’m caged in pessimism and disillusioned with everything. And I really trust you when you say that we can get through this together. So, thank you for being a part of my journey, and for including me in yours. Lots of love.”

She made me reflect on my journey with clients so far, and the lessons I’ve learnt along the way. 

Lesson #1 just got reinforced...

“What can I do for you?” I often ask clients who sit across from me for their first session.

To be truly there for someone, earnestly and with sincerity, requires a genuine presence.
To listen with your heart, to understand their deepest concerns, and not just at the words that they speak. To take in their silences, their averted gaze at times, the way they wring their hands, or tap their feet, the raised tone and pitch to express their fears often camouflaged as anger.

To be there for someone by being invested in them. To care because they are an integral part of you, and to step into their shoes to gauge where they are presently, why they are, who they are, and where they want to be from this moment on.

To tell them that you are in this together, that they have to take charge of their own selves, own up to their problems, embrace the hurt, and the scars, and that you will walk together, as they figure out what life and living is all about.

And to truly be there, creating a safe place for them to just be: to be vulnerable, angry, sad, anxious, disillusioned, or whatever else overwhelms them. There is always space for every emotion that comes, without labeling them as “negative” or “positive.” They are all there for a reason. And you are there for them, even when existential angst is lashed out at you, and you don’t take it personally. Be. There. For. Them.

In that safe space, you build trust, so you can speak the truth, even if it stings. You learn when to sit in silence with them, or when to speak based on whatever is needed, but mostly for them to create insights on their own. After all, it is their own path they are carving, and the goals and the way is for them to craft.

Love. You dole out unconditional love that is underlined by acceptance. Tender mostly, but tough love too when it is needed. You are protective, but not over-protective. Let them speak up for themselves, let them fight their own battles, let them emerge victorious, or learn from the fall and the fresh bruises. Let them have their moment of weakness, and let them come back up strong. Let them walk courageously into the obstacles that come in their path, because they know their will and way to fight is stronger than the defeat they may fear.

Keep them in a warm embrace through an emotional storm and in happier times; celebrate their victories and wins. Smile. Hold their hand when they need it, and give them space when they need it. Learn to differentiate when they need it and when they ask for it, because there is a significant difference between the two. Through it all…Be. There. For. Them.

You walk with them on their path of self-discovery. They figure out how to put the pieces of the puzzle of life together; with you by their side. They learn to embrace the uncertainty, the chaos, and the unpredictability, because they know that the only thing in their control is how they respond to the situations, whatever they may be. They believe in themselves and they commit to finding a meaning and purpose in life. This is an important first step one has to take to move forward; towards happiness and growth.

I. Will. Be. There.
That’s what I can do for you, as we set off on this journey. Together.