I don’t know who needs to read this, but here I am, writing about my own recent struggles with body image and the need to look “lean” because the “lighter I would be, the faster I would be able to run the longer distances,” especially since I have my eyes set on an ultra-marathon yet again this year. A message I had been hearing constantly, all around me.
When I was obese in 2004/05 weighing close to 100 kgs, my main aim of losing weight was to get rid of the host of medical conditions that had plagued me: borderline high BP, pre-diabetes, high cholesterol levels, joints aches and pains, and overall malaise, fatigue, and tiredness. But since I got to my optimal weight in 2007, and took to running in 2009, I realized my focus was now on how my genetics endowed me with a pear shaped body; in layman’s terms: heavy hips and thighs. However much I ran or worked out in the gym, the weight was here to stay, and I couldn’t understand why it was so stubborn. The fixation had started and I didn’t like what I would see in the mirror.
Some of you must be thinking, “You look just fine.”
The runners reading this may be wondering, “Yeah, you do need to lose some weight.”
And there probably is a small majority saying, “What is she talking about? What is this body image stuff?”
And so when the weight again crept up in 2012 thanks to a medical intervention and despite my very active running routine, I started consulting several nutritionists, my favorite endocrinologist, physical trainers, to see how I could shed that weight and become lean. I was already in my mid to late 30s and as soon as I entered the 40s the reasons for the weight was “age, hormones, stress.” It was assumed that my job as a psychologist MUST be stressful and that explains the weight gain.
Now that I think of these years gone by, I realized that I kept focusing on the wrong thing: The number on the scale and how I thought I looked. Not once did I pause to think whether that weight was coming in the way of my marathons. Or if my training – which would have helped me to be a more efficient runner – was right. Or when the stress was high, did that affect my runs? When I ran a half marathon in Sangla, which was all uphill, and at a higher altitude, I was overtaken by a girl around my age, who was way heavier than me. “How is that possible?,” the short-sighted me wondered.
And then the game changer revealed itself much later: It was actually a combination of many things. The right coaching to run better and more efficiently; gaining strength overall so that my legs could run longer, without getting stalled by fatigue; managing stress through a good night’s sleep; meditations; reversing the negative self-talk; and overall focusing on good self-care overall, with a focus on clean, holistic nutrition keeping in mind that I was running longer distances, and needed to feed by body with food (and love, I realized). Not restricting foods, or starving, or detox diets, or liquid diets, low carb, keto, and whatever else that is out there which feeds into our already vulnerable, distorted body image (No offence meant to the believers).
It’s not just an “individual” issue. As a society that emphasizes being thin, and in an endurance sport such as running where leanness is very indirectly fed into our consciousness, we fall prey to those messages and then starts the downward spiral of beating ourselves up for being “fat,” “heavy boned,” and hence also not strong enough, not efficient enough, not good enough, which further spirals into a vortex of self-doubt.
“Am I capable to tackle this challenge?” “Am I cut out to be a runner?”
And to make matters worse, the calorie deficit to enable losing weight (the most common method of trying to lose weight) leaves one feeling so depleted of energy on those long runs, that the self-doubt becomes further deep seated. The mind doesn’t put the focus on the nutrition and the lack of it, but on the conditioned self-loathing that comes with the excess weight. The culprit for a bad run is something else, but we believe it is our weight that is coming in the way. And hence, the distorted body image, and the impact of mood, often leading to depression and/or anxiety.
How can I say this with such surety now?
I ran more, ate less, lost the weight and still didn’t run properly.
Huh? What the heck was happening? I was finally back to my “ideal weight” so why was I not being able to run better?
I realized there is nothing “ideal” when it comes to running. You could hope for the ideal form, ideal weight, ideal coach, ideal weather conditions, ideal health, but what comes in front of you on that particular day, could be a whole different challenge.
My struggles with body image came to light recently. I would despise how I looked with the increasing abdominal weight addition to the heavier everything else, thanks to menopause. I would curse myself for having to wear men’s running shorts in the summer and how dumpy I looked, because the female shorts are too short for my liking (That’s another pet peeve. Why are women’s running shorts so tiny? Actually, don’t bother. I think I know the answer). My obsession with the number on the scale and restricting calories stayed the same, and yet I didn’t run any better. And was in fact feeling more run down and demotivated.
Traci Carson, a PhD student in the Department of Epidemiology at the University of Michigan, did a study which highlighted that body-image ideals and the power dynamic between coaches and female athletes may contribute to an athlete’s risk of disordered eating and body image disturbance.
I am no star athlete, but this short piece from her interview spoke to me, about me.
“It has been established that athletes in endurance sports and sports that emphasize leanness (such as gymnastics and dance) have an increased risk for disordered eating and body image issues. The prevalence of disordered eating among female runners is twice as high as non-athlete peers. Our study found that increased risk may be due to myths around diet and body that have persisted through generations of runners, such as ‘the lighter you are, the faster you are’ and the idea that a specific ‘runner body’ type is necessary for success in the sport. Further, the way that coaches communicate with athletes on the topic of diet and body image can significantly influence an athlete's physical and mental wellbeing.”
I dropped the struggle recently. Of that number on the scale, of looking into the mirror and disliking what I saw. Of cursing myself for not being a certain body type, or for feeling not good enough. Of skimping calories and feeling deprived. Of getting frustrated with how menopause was affecting me physically and emotionally and how that was yet another factor that was hindering my running performance.
It is what it is.
I can’t fight these changes and I needed to embrace them and work with what is possible. And so, I chose to eat clean and healthy, which has always been a choice I made, but now I eat more wholesome foods which include all the macros and I feel great. The shift is slowly showing in my running performance as well because I am getting all the dollops of energy I need to become a better runner. The focus on overall health took over: adequate sleep, mindfulness, coping with stress proactively, warm up and stretches post runs, strength training, recovery, fueling and hydration, and having a happier outlook in life.
I could deal with the body image issues without their impacting me because I had the skills to cope with the agonizing thoughts that would come up and derail me for a bit, till I would find my balance again. But I think of the many people amongst us, young girls and boys, women (and men) like me, who spend years and decades beating themselves up for how they look, how “unhealthy” they feel, how they don’t fit into society’s preference for thin, lean, muscular, strong, and whatever label we can think of. I choose to include the men, because while more women report disordered eating and body image issues, I know men who have struggled with this as well. Just like most mental health issues are underreported in men, this is one of them.
We tend to be our worst critics, pulling ourselves down with our negative self-talk.
It’s time we recognized what our bodies have done for us in our past, and continue to do, despite whatever limitations, challenges and breakdowns we face. I will always remember that through some heavy menstrual cycles, headaches and cramps, I have navigated the most steep treks that I have ever done and reached my destination. In the desert mountains of Ladakh, with rarefied air, and the high altitudes, I have done 55 kms despite a fueling on the run that went totally wrong and caused acute stomach distress. One rarely recognizes what a tremendous feat the body (and mind) achieve(s), what a win it actually is. We fall into the trap of defeat, self-criticism, self-loathing, getting hooked to the “I’m not good enough” story.
I finally did what I should have done many years ago: rid myself of the psychological baggage and let go of the “runner” body image. The freedom and lightness I feel, no number on the scale can match. I don’t know what that image is meant to be anymore, but I know that I am choosing to focus on a stronger me physically, emotionally, and mentally, who is looking to run into her sunset years. For me, my best days are here and I will make the most of them, with purpose, determination, and compassion towards myself. I wish the same for you, in whatever you choose to do.